17 August 2017

TWO COCKS, ONE NIGHT

Another day, another Tinder date. I sound so bored, I promise I'm not.

So I matched with this guy, let's call him Michael because that was his name. A few messages here and there, and we arranged a date.

I have a new Tinder policy, it's basically swiping right on anyone and everyone. Cast the net far and wide, you never know what you might catch, venereal or otherwise.

I started doing this because I met a guy in a bar a few weeks ago that, if I had been presented with six photos of him in an online capacity, I would never have swiped right. You know why? Because you need to meet people in the flesh to actually know whether you are attracted to them or not. Crazy, isn't it? Making your decision based on six carefully selected photos which show nothing but how to take a great selfie, is not a good business plan.

So, we decided to meet at a pub in a suburb that had the village-y feel Londoners love. I arrived and he was already seated at the bar. OK, straight out of the gate, he was a little heavier than he appeared in his photos, and while he wasn't completely catfishing me, girlfriend needed to do a round of updates on those pics. He then had the gall to tell me he did marathons.

Like movie marathons?

Anyway, we then had six large glasses of Pinot Grigio on empty stomachs.

Cut to, me sucking his dick.

Not sure how it happened, but I do think I was in a waking blackout. That's my story anyway and I am sticking to it. This is no joke, I remember leaving the bar and then I had his dick in my mouth, that's it!

The reality of the situation dawned on me/I sobered up, and made a hasty exit stage left, into the night only to meet a lovely trans woman on the street who I then convinced to come out for one last drink, because I wasn't done with the night.

At about 1am she departed after we had a lengthy discussion about the assassination of JFK (I mean, WTF?) and then I picked up ANOTHER guy and went back to his, still with the smell of Michael's dick on my hands.

I woke up in the morning on a blow-up mattress in a lounge room next to a cute guy, who's name I am still not sure of, and who's cleaner was vacuuming around us. We then went to a bedroom (why we weren't there in the first place, I do not know) and slept until the cleaner left. We then sat on his couch eating reheated lamb biryani, watching Amy Schumer videos.

This was a Wednesday.

4 May 2017

THE CASUAL RACIST

So I was out the other week on a Tinder date with this perfect guy when he quickly became the least perfect guy.

Let me back up.

I had swiped right on this Australian guy a few weeks before and didn't get an immediate match. I know it seems like every time I make myself vulnerable in an online capacity it needs to be met with instantaneous validation, but it does. Then a couple of weeks later we matched and I messaged him. Fascinating.

So he organised the date in this fancy cocktail bar, in an equally fancy hotel in Mayfair. I didn't realise how fancy it was until I arrived. Thank god I didn't wear my boob tube, instead opting for a collared shirt because, ah, err, he was in a three piece suit. Admittedly he had been at work, but still, where do you work, the Academy Awards?

In these sort of instances, you can tell I am really into a guy because I suddenly turn into a bellowing mini-me of my father. I'm basically trying to be the most masc version of myself I can be, which isn't exactly masc in the traditional sense of the abbreviation, but you get the picture. And I've noticed it with other friends of mine: I once overheard a friend talking to his new boyfriend on the phone and wondered where this (more) manly voice was coming from. When he got off the phone, I asked who he was talking to - assuming it was his homophobic uncle from the country - but when he said it was his new boyfriend, I wondered how long it would be before he accidentally high kicked through that butch facade and was found out.

It's sad to think we value masculinity over femininity in our community. It's so clearly an offshoot of misogyny. And trust me, I've read all the articles in the gay press that try to put this issue to rest, but when you read Grindr profile after Grindr profile that specifies "masculine for same", you get beaten down. And when I like someone my big boy voice comes out because that's the ideal I've been presented with my whole life.

Anyhoo, we order drinks. Two martini's, so masc, and get talking. Okay, full disclosure: I have never met a guy who's life was almost identical in terms of upbringing. So alike he had even been to MY SCHOOL as part of his school's mock trail and debating team. And I would have been there at the same time, in the same year group. I cursed the day I dropped Legal Studies.

I don't think I can actually explain how implausible this moment was for us. I went to school in a spec of a town, in the middle of Australia and the guy I was sitting across from in London 20 years later had been to that school when I was there, even if it was for a day or two. As you can imagine, I completely blew it out of proportion and treated it like Jesus himself had returned and was dating me.

So we ordered another martini.

I'm getting a little loose by this stage and he starts talking about wanting to raise a family. I've never really been for or against the subject, but suddenly I'm stuffing my face with complimentary almond clusters, trying to soak up the pure vodka, saying things like "I've always wanted three or four children". What? Where did that come from? Then I said, "I want to adopt because there are too many unloved children in this world". Um Angelina? Pipe down please.

We then started talking about country vs city and, again, I have never really wanted to live in the country - grew up there, was damaging enough the first time round - but again I am saying things like, "I've always wanted to own land in the English countryside." No I haven't!

I think the takeaway here is that I'm telling my dates what they want to hear and adjusting myself to what they want to see. It's obviously coming across as disingenuous, otherwise I'd be raising four adopted children from the streets of Delhi on acreage in the Lakes District. But when did I stop being myself on dates and why? Have I ever been myself??? I'm blowing my mind right now.

So then he talked about what it would be like raising kids in the country being gay - oh and I forgot the best part! He only came out three years ago! Does that still happen? Apparently so.

#newgay

Anyway, the conversation continued about attitudes towards the gays in country Australia vs in the UK when I committed a cardinal first date sin.

I we'd us.

I said something like, "well I think if we were walking down the main street with kids..." I had to immediately make a joke out of it and honestly, he handled it pretty well, but let's just say we didn't order another martini.

THEN THIS HAPPENED.

There was a burning smell that came from the table next to us and we both turned to investigate. There were two black women seated adjacent who told us it was just a drink that had been lit on fire to bring out the flavours. He then said, and I am not making this shit up, "I thought your weave was on fire." Now, regardless of whether he thought it was or not, you don't fucking say that. I could see the collective speech bubble above their heads go, WTF? But they were very gracious and explained to him, and for some strange reason, me, that their weaves were real hair and not acrylic. I gave them an I-have-nothing-to-do-with-this-man look and turned the other way.

THEN HE STARTED PETTING HER HAIR LIKE SHE WAS AN EXOTIC BIRD.

I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

When I had come back, he had paid the bill which I thought was sweet until I remembered the casual racism. I was like, oh, grrr.

We went our separate ways and there weren't any follow up messages. A week later he, that's right HE, unmatched me on Tinder. And fair enough, I wasn't my true authentic self, but at least my true authentic self isn't a racist fuckstick.

16 October 2016

THE KIWI FRUITS

For a relatively small country, in the past few months, I seemed to have hit a rich vein of gay New Zealanders.

OK well two, but that's a lot.

I present to you their stories.

Kiwi #1.

It's taken me a while to talk about this sexual liaison in the public sphere because, while I have always been quite candid about my experiences, there's a Josephite nun inside me, just waiting to wave her knobbly finger at me. And as this story unfolds, she's likely to burst through my chest like a small alien creature and attach herself to my face.

After a lovely dinner with my friend Fran in Sitges, we made our way into the night via the Mojito Bar. After two of the largest Mojitos I have ever seen, we were smashed. A few more fish bowl sized drinks later at another bar and we were catatonic. After escorting Fran back to our hotel, I made the half mile wobble back to the bar we had just left.

I was ordering another drink (like I needed it) when a handsome Kiwi entered stage right. I'm not sure how we started chatting, but his beard, his hairy chest and his cute accent had me hooked.

"Are you dancing?" he said pointing to the sunken dance floor. I nodded, unable to get a 'Yes' out, and with that he whisked me off, bounding down the steps whilst I tried valiantly not to spill a drop of my vodka lemonade.

It was 4am and suffice to say the dance floor was looking a little tired. There were only four people keeping the party going and we were a breath of fresh air. Three of them were Swiss and the other was a German called Herman. Of course he was. I'm sure they thought we were super annoying as we waved our Antipodean flag in their faces, but this place was crying out for an injection of fun.

Now, this is where things get a little hazy. Keep in mind ALL of this happened on the dance floor. In the space of one minute I went from dancing with Kiwi #1, to kissing Kiwi #1, to Kiwi #1 having his dick out on the dance floor. Mid-kiss, I did what anyone would do when faced with a dick on a dance floor.

I gave him a handjob.

Then he undid my trousers and before I knew it he was giving me a blowjob.

I know and on a sparsely populated dance floor, so did Herman.

It's not the worst thing to happen, but for me eating dick - my dick - on the dance floor is taking the PDA a step too far. I quickly covered myself up and made the suggestion we take this somewhere else. But there was nowhere else. I was rooming with my friend and he was also rooming with his friend. He then took me by the hand and led me out to what I thought was the exit, but it turned out to be the men's toilet.

Yeah. To each their own, I say.

In all my years on the scene, I seemed to have bypassed toilet sex. Not sure why, perhaps it has been an unconscious rule set long ago. Perhaps it was right up there with exposing myself on a dance floor. Well rules are meant to be broken. And besides, this is Europe and I'm on holiday, it doesn't exist, right?

Wrong! As the door closed and the dicks came out, I thought wow, we're really doing this. As drunk as I was, I could see this toilet had seen A LOT of traffic that night.

Can I get a mop and bucket to cubicle three?

The guy was a little shorter than me, so it was difficult in the confines of the toilet cubicle to get a really effective blow on my job. I thought, why not? This can't get any worse, so I sat down on the toilet to get a more front on experience. Turns out, it could get worse because this lavatory was missing a seat and I sunk further into the toilet bowl than I would like to admit. To add further insult, I was stuck and whatever organic remnants the toilet had not flushed away, were now smeared on my brand new chinos. Not that I actually realised, I was more concerned with the moment the Spanish fire brigade would have to jaws-of-life me out of a toilet bowl. Hola!

Thankfully, all it took was a tug (bwha!) from him to set me free. When it was all done, we left the cubicle, walked out, exchanged numbers, had a brief chat and then I left him sitting on a bench. I sashayed off thinking what a sexually empowered man I had become; a sexually empowered man who had just gotten briefly stuck in a toilet; a sexually empowered man who had the organic remnants of that toilet worked into his bone coloured chinos. But let's not start pulling threads. It was only after walking through Sitges Old Town and the hotel lobby that I realised the brunt my trousers had taken.

I threw them and my dignity away then and there.

*Josephite nun having conniption*

Kiwi #2.

So anyway. The other day I started chatting to a guy on Grindr who made it clear in his profile that he was only interested in dates rather than hookups. After a few messages, Kiwi #2 asked if I wanted to grab a drink and I agreed. His direct manner was refreshing: often all the date conversation happens over messenger which leaves the date void of topics. So I had no real idea who he was or what he did until we met. And that was kind of exciting. He could be a serial killer!

We sent through a few more photos of ourselves to reassure the other our profile pic's were not handsome flukes and arranged to meet that Thursday night.

After having the usual date freak outs, like this could be the last first date I ever have or I could die, I arrived to a very deserted, very quiet bar. Kiwi #2 walked in and honestly only looked about half the size of his photos. Height and weight. And while it was him, the pictures did him waaay more justice.

"Hi, how are you," I gritted, sticking my hand out to shake. I think we both felt the wait staff wince.

I didn't want to be rude (I'll save that for my blog), so we ordered a bottle of wine and sat down.

Guys, I know this makes me the worst of the worst, but he had a series of facial tic's that only manifested themselves when I talked and looked directly at him. At first I thought he was winking at me, but I soon realised they were uncontrollable facial spasms and not his amorous advances. It made it super hard to concentrate on what I was saying and I had to look around the courtyard we were sat and bite the inside of my mouth to stop myself from laughing in his face.

We finished our wine and he asked if I wanted to go for dinner. I couldn't risk anymore involuntary twitching over croquettes, so I told him I was going home and we awkwardly left it at that.

Probs for the best.

15 September 2016

THE DO-OVER

As the title suggests, I had a do-over.

Actually, to clarify, I didn't realise I had a do-over until I saw him naked. That's nice, when the only distinguishing feature you have is your penis.

Let me explain.

I was out and about on the weekend in my favourite bar after a night with some friends ended. I was just wasted enough to think that going out on my own was the next logical step and not too wasted to strike up a conversation with a stranger. In short, the perfect storm.

I got to the bar during its peek hour and joined the scrum for drinks pronto, as my buzz was beginning to fade. In front of me were two young gays who were sort of in the queue, sort of not in the queue. It was difficult to tell because they were dancing. I don't care what you do with the rest of your night, but either you are queuing or you are dancing, not both and until I have submitted my drink order, I'm all business at the bar. And these gays were basically doing the Cha-cha. 

I politely tapped one of them on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, are you actually in the queue?"

The most annoying of the two looked at me and said, "Oh you mature gays, we're in the queue alright."

Ummm, hmmm.

Compounding the insult was the fact I actually didn't hear him and had to say, "What?" whilst cupping my ear with my hand like an old-timey hearing aid. I bet they thought that was #hilar.

It was enough feeling self conscious about flying solo, but it was another thing to have my crows feet pointed out by these little cum rags.

It's like when you hear your voice played back to you in a recording and you suddenly realise what everyone else is bearing witness to. Ageing is like perpetually hearing the sound of your nasal lisp all day long. And the thing is, I used to be like those boys. I was that little cunt making snide remarks about age. I just hope that their karmic debt is served up to them in the same way. 

I finally got my drink and took my place on the dance floor. As I sipped my double vodka lemonade and cried on the inside, I looked around at the melee of gays and felt so out of place. I didn't even know the song that was being played. How did this happen? I'm only 35-ish.

Then I spotted a guy I had taken home four years ago. And four years ago it did not end well. Shit, that's the last thing I need right now. We had met in the very same bar and almost in the very same spot. I dragged him back to mine for a snuggle and after I sighted his rotund penis, I decided the best thing to do would be to ghost him. And I ghosted him hard. This warranted a "Rude" text message from him. And fair enough, it was rude. The very next week I saw him again at the same bar (I need to get a new venue, I mean really) and he nearly pushed me down the stairs.

One of the reasons I didn't want to pursue anything with him was because getting his cock inside any orifice would have taken a small army and a tsunami of lube. I'm usually up for a challenge, but there has to be a limit, right? He also seemed to wield it with reckless abandonment, like his sexual needs came first and they HAD to be met. In short, like a man (hot). Sometimes I think the men I meet are wasted on me.

I saw him moving across the dance floor coming toward me. As I braced for the unpleasentries, he walked up and said, "Hi, having a good night?" I thought, are we role playing now? His name had slipped my mind so I was unable to cross reference it with my 2012 self. Maybe it was a different guy? We chatted a bit more until I just had to ask, "Have we met before?" 

"Trust me I wouldn't forget you," he winked.

I felt like saying, "Could you say that to those two gay guys dancing in the queue over there?"

Then he said, "I just love your voice." Really? Because I've heard it played back to me and the nasal lisp thing has never really popped.

OK, so this clearly was a different guy. I guess so. He said he was younger than me which again, didn't ring any bells, I was sure this suitor's doppelganger was older.

So I pashed him.

We were back at mine when the do-over dawned on me. The pants came off and the choad in all it's girthy glory was revealed. Hadn't gotten any less choad either. In fact, I think it had expanded. Now, I'll be the first one to admit, I don't have a headjob mouth, it's a dainty opening, but I'm never at pains to fit a cock in it. This one however, I nearly had to lube up my lips and use cranial kinesis to get it in.

And then he started thrusting.

So romantic.   

14 March 2016

THE PETRI DISH

Sometimes when I get home from a one night stand, I feel like a returning Vietnam vet.

I've seen some things, man. I've done some stuff I'm not proud of.

This feeling applied on the weekend just gone when I met a guy who has shaken my love of masc men to the core. I make no qualms about it, I like 'em butch, but I think I should be more specific when I deliver that message to the universe next time. 

I ended up in the arms of a 6'6" South African after a night out on Saturday. He had one of the biggest dicks I have ever put in my mouth. Seriously, it was like blowing a microphone. Testing, testing? Yes, it's definitely on. 

Everything was rosey under the blanket of night, until I awoke under the stained duvet cover of day. I have never seen so many stains on so many different surfaces in one room, at one time. Stains on the side table, stains on the wall, stains on the carpet, stains on the black sheets. I know, firstly, eww black sheets and secondly, stained black sheets. It felt like if you collected all the DNA surrounding his bed, you could build a completely new person and a threesome was on the cards.

Aside from the living in filth part, he was a really nice guy. He spooned me while we made morning-after-the-night-before small talk. He seemed to only like rugby (hot) and spent most of his spare time watching it or playing it (even hotter). Maybe a few Dettol wipes and I could make this work.  

"So are you more like a bottom?" he enquired.

It's always such an interesting moment before you give that answer. I'm pretty sure when most people meet me they can tell I lean toward the receptical side of the spectrum, especially when I meet them doing justice to the Beyoncé Crazy in Love years, but I humoured him.

"Ahh, I'm a bottom. And you?"

"Top." Although he said it in such a guttural South African accent (hot) that it sounded like he was saying "taupe". Such a great neutral on any wall, I thought, but really my anus winced just thinking about that sledge hammer coming anywhere near it.

Any attraction definitely vanished when I went to the toilet to pee. If I thought the multi-surfaced, multi-stained bedroom was disturbing, then I was in for a rude awakening. The toilet looked like it hadn't been cleaned since 1995. I don't think I even sighted a toilet brush. Now, I have a very sensitive gag reflex which, I'll admit, doesn't really help when you are trying to swallow a microphone sized penis, but it especially doesn't help when I come face-to-face with a toilet that looks like its owner takes a scatter gun approach to pooping. It took every fibre in my being not to dry wretch mid stream and spray piss all over the WC. Honestly though, I don't think he or his flatmate would have cared.  

The toilet seat was already up (obvs) and when I put it down, I nearly careered back through the door and rolled down the stairs. Skid marks on the toilet seat! Not only was there remnants in the bowl, but there was remnants out of the bowl. I dry wretched all the way back to the bedroom. 

Guess it's time to book that uber then.

As I dove into the back of an idling Prius and yelled "Just drive!" to my driver Abdul, forgetting he already knew where we were going, I thought about stereotypical perceptions around gay men. He certainly bucked the cleanliness trend our people are well known for, but I did think we are just boys after all, why is it assumed that all gays are germphobic, OCD, super-cleaners? Remember we do put our penises in each others bott-botts. Maybe we push the sanitation trait to counter-balance the grossness of drilling for oil. Or so to speak.

Back to stereotypes though, do all gay men have an eye for design and a flare for fashion? No. Most of us do, but why should we adhere to these outdated conventions?

That doesn't really excuse poor hygiene practices though. Seriously, if you shone a UV light on his bed, it might have shown up some of the uncontacted peoples of the Amazon.

Poor guy.    

1 December 2015

BALLS

So I broke my drought on the weekend and along the way encountered one of the largest testiclé I have ever seen in my entire life.

It had been a while as I am sure you can guess by the lack of posting.

Let's just say, I've been lost down the porn rabbit hole. Way down. I think porn might be my crystal meth. Either I'm addicted to pornography or well on my way. I honestly thought at this rate I may never seek sex with a live human being again.

I've talked about this to another gay male friend of mine (who shall remain nameless). He had to put his laptop in a pillow case at the bottom of his closet because he'd become too dependent on porn. Even when he was doing something innocent like internet banking, invariably he would end up internet wanking. I remember this time, it was very confusing - we thought he was phasing us out. Turns out he was running home to make sweet sweet love to his hand.

I can't imagine putting my laptop in a pillow case at the bottom of my closet being much of a deterrent to my idle hands. I'd probably have to freeze it in a bucket of water like it's a maxed out credit card.

#confessionsofawankaholic

I had another friend who had a boyfriend, but still enjoyed a varied selection of porn. Still had sex with his boyfriend, but when his BF was not there he would pop some porn on the laptop and have a bit of quiet time. His boyfriend had a huge problem with it. He questioned why he needed to watch so much porn if he was in a sexually active relationship. Was he not sexually fulfilled?

I questioned why he needed to tell him at all.

#clearinternethistory

Anyway his boyfriend felt as though he was cheating on him. Relationships are hard aren't they? You not only have to worry about your partner cheating with real life people, but also if they are cheating with porn stars. Where is the line? What if you watch a film with Ryan Gosling in it because you like Ryan Gosling's abs - is that cheating? Ugh. Life is confusing.

But I digress.

So I went out on Saturday night and had a fine old time picking up and going home with a gent who we shall call Jonathan, because that was his name. Got back to his place and not much sexy time went on due to my proximity to drunkeness.

As I opened my eyes the next day I thought I was snuggling into his hairy chest. Err apparently not, it turned out I was getting an eyeful of one of the hairiest backs I have ever seen. The hair was wing-like, flanking off his shoulder blades. I honestly thought we might have flown home rather than Ubered it.

Then he rolled over. I know I'm not the freshest face in the morning but yikes. What had I been drinking the night before?

Fortunately I was still drunk, but as the morning wore on I was becoming acutely aware of the unattractive man laying next to me.

So anyway when in Rome a blowjob is still a blowjob, so whilst in the throws of reciprocation, I got closer to the groinal area and came face to scrote with some of the biggest balls I have ever seen. Like he should be in a medical journal they were that big. It was very off putting, like a couple of raw turkey breasts with the skin left on.

Yeah, get that image out of your head.

After the alcohol completely wore off, I had to make a quick exit. That or start drinking again.

So I went home and put some porn on. It seemed like the only thing to do.      

18 September 2015

FOR LEISA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY X

Do you think it might be too much too soon to be looking into relocating to the English countryside after chatting with someone on Tinder for an afternoon?

This is the storyline playing out in my head right now. I was Tindering a guy the Sunday just gone and before the end of the day, I was googling his hometown and picking out wedding venues. Actually, I was googling them during our chat.

He said, "It's hard to meet guys in my town."

I said, "I'm happy to relocate."

I think he provoked this response because he was a nice country lad looking for love. He lives at least a three hour drive from London (totally got the route saved) which would be perfect for me. I would love an LDR. Honestly the minute somebody becomes too available, emotionally or environmentally, I clam up and dive back into the sea. It needs to be a gradual progression for me. If I knew our rendezvous had an expiration date, I would be quite happy to see him off at the end of the weekend down the M4.

So I screen shot all his photos and now I look at them almost every hour on the hour. I know creepy.

I wonder when I became like this. When a few photos and a few lines of brief chat can equate to, in my mind, the beginning of a fruitful relationship. I guess we've all subconsciously done this by proxy when downloading any dating app (maybe not Grindr) and I think we can all agree it's a bit mental when someone else falls in love with just a photo, but can totally rationalise when it happens to ourselves. We all want to believe there is a Disney fairytale out there, even if it does mean a complete geographical relocation.

I once watched a video from the Devotion Project that completely changed my outlook on finding love. It made me hopeful there was someone for everyone. Especially as a gay man. It was the story of boy meets boy in a New York bathhouse circa 1950. Through everything - an overseas army deployment, night school, failing health - they had managed to stay together. Their love for each other was unwavering even after fifty years. I was inspired.

There was a line in the film where one of the guys, John, spoke about entering Bills apartment. The door opened to reveal a painting called The Empire of Light. This was the moment he realised the "light shone" into his life. It was his epiphany and the beginning of their relationship.
I thought about that moment and the painting for a long time. I made it my screensaver. Maybe if I bought the painting and hung it in my apartment, some of their good relationship karma would rub off on me? So I found it at the MOMA in New York, however I couldn't get it shipped to the UK. I didn't realise there are companies that would do this for you, so I just put it aside and then a year later I coincidentally found myself in New York, visited the MOMA, bought the print, hand carried it all the way back to the UK, got it framed and sat it on a chest of drawers in my room in anticipation of hanging it in the next few weeks.

I felt like I had captured the magic John and Bill had created over all those years in a frame. This was going to be my epiphany or the next guy I brought home would see this surrealist masterpiece, have his epiphany and fall deeply in love with me.

A couple of weeks later I went out and got mad drunk, came home, went to sleep, woke up during the night and pissed on the Empire of Light.

I literally pissed on my dreams.

How am I going to be happy if I keep subconsciously wanting to piss all over everything good in my life.

That was my epiphany. Or perhaps my epissany.

#epissany

I also use phantom toilets when I drink.

Marry me.
Gay Blog Award