9 June 2011

THE STRAIGHT-ISH GUY

So let's begin way back in the Summer of 2010 when I walked up to a tall straight boy in a gay club and started to chat about the Australian 4 - 0 whitewash at the hands of Germany in the World Cup.

*disclaimer*

I may fart glitter, but I do enjoy a wide range of sports as well - I like to think of myself as a contradiction wrapped in a condom. So, being Australian, I was totes devo at our drumming by Ze Deutshe and wanted to be consoled by a fellow Aussie. I knew he was Aussie and straight because he had an Australian Rugby jumper on - I may love sport, but I don't love sport enough to don my teams colours and hit the tiles. To me green and gold doesn't really go with anything but mullets and flag capes.

So when he stuck his tongue down my throat, I was more shocked than anything.

So we stood on the street for about an hour talking shit and playing slaps *remember* contradiction! Which he totally kicked my ass at, but I kinda let him/liked it. I actually cannot remember what the hell we spoke about, but I do remember him being very funny and totes like every straight guy I have ever wanted to bone back in Australia. Totes in love. Oh he is really tall too! Like obscenely tall, which I have never been attracted to, but now, believe me it is all about the tall guy. Seriously, I have never been the little one in any sort of liaison - at a dainty 6'2" it's hard to find anyone taller than you. And considering I was into muscle guys, there is a muscle to height ratio that is tipped in the favour of midget-ry.

So we ended the night there on the streets of London and went our separate ways. It was a Sunday and I had to be at work in approx 5 hours :/ so I gets home and text him my number and then the texts start. There was a lot of deep throat talk from me and I may have said I was wanking, when in reality, I had just vomited. He even called. Not sure what he said, but I totes thought this guy is hooked.

So next day, I was in a world of pain, but totes walked tall like his 6 feet 9 inches. Shut up, I know! His text came a little later than expected and I have to say the temperature was distinctly cooler. After a few exchanges I proposed a rematch of slaps for Friday (I know topical and really cute), which was returned with a lukewarm, 'I'll be out of town' excuse. No follow up date when he'd be back. Nothing. I thought, that's odd, last night he was telling how much he wanted to lick my cock. WTF? I was making mental preparations for when I would introduce him to the family, where the hell was he? So a whole month went by until I got another text - this time the night of the World Cup final - Football, it really is the game of life. And finally after a couple of texts he (HE) suggested a 'hot date'. Okaaaaaaay. So when will that be?

When he gets back from his travel through Europe.

When would that be?

September. This was July.

So after what seemed an eternity, he finally texts in early September to arrange our 'hot date'. I suggest a Thursday. He never gets back to me and we never have the date. I never texted him either. And I didn't because I felt like I was coaxing a wild animal to eat out of my hand - any sudden movements/texts would startle him and he would scamper off like a baby Giraffe. It took me a really long time to work out what he wanted from me. I have a theory: I blatantly stalked this guy, he has a very unique first name and believe me he is very easy to find on facey and other websites that basically gave me an outline of who he was/is. He lives in Oz and has a job that affords him the luxury of travel during the summer. I know, my stalking is detailed and extensive and slightly bunny-boiling, but if we actually went on a date and he offered this info, I wouldn't have to be such a mental case! So I think he doesn't identify as gay at home, but comes so far away from Australia and has these 'experiences' with people like moi and then goes home and gets a girlfriend. It is TOTALLY annoying. I know this because after the non-date I checked his FB page and there was a pic with him and a girl in an embrace that suggested GF and the same girl came up in other pics with him. Um, that was a week after the proposed non-date.

Whatevs.

So a couple of weeks ago, um like the beginning of summer, who should text?

I would like to say that I deleted the text because I have learnt a valuable lesson about straight guys who will never fully be with you because they feel society will always class them as a freak and therefore they will ultimately end up marrying a girl called Teagan he met at the pub on Saturday night.

(I totes hate Teagan, but I also feel really sorry for her)

But I didn't. I texted him back trying to sound sooooooo casual, like I haven't been thinking about you for the last 8 months every day and how I will never be happy - EVER.

I think I said some shit like, "Yeah, long time, how's tricks?"

WTF?

He replied with, "Ha ha yeah it has been a long time" no shit, dickhead
"Yeah I have just been to Turkey for ANZAC day and now am off to Norway" what am I, a fucking travel diary? I love you by the way.

So I didn't text back. I wanted more. I wanted him to say, lets go on that 'hot date'. Not, I'm going from Paris to Greece and everything in between (he totally said that once). I feel better about it, because I was the one who chose not to text him back. Not him for 8 MONTHS. However, I don't think he is somewhere above the Artic Circle safari crab fishing thinking why I haven't texted him back...

I found him on Twitter. He is that sort of wanker that needs constant validation. BTW are you following me on Twitter @ProjectNewBF?

He seriously is above the Arctic Circle safari crab fishing.

Wanker, but I totally could be sexing/dating him in a month. Ugh!

Continue the story here.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Gay Blog Award