26 July 2011


Holy fuckballs, can you believe it?

Neither can I.

For those of you completely lost, get on board.

Up to speed? Good, we have a lot to get through.

So before I begin, I have been off alcohol for a month, just coz I need to give myself a break after 10 years of solid drinking. No, I didn't get double teamed while unconscious - purely health benefits.

So, I'm home on a Saturday night with some friends - sanctimonious in my sobriety - when a text from the Straight-ish Guy, comes through asking if I would like to head to a certain south of the river establishment. I turned to my friends and shouted, "Get out!".

So I get there and there's a snaking queue that stretched half a block. I cannot believe it, after a year of text messages and empty promises, I'm being thwarted by a one in, one out policy. Damn you fire regulations. Finally, I was in. I head straight up to him and he hugs me and gives me a kiss. Which can I say was a relief, the last thing I would want was a hand shake. I would rather a head butt, thanks.

"Have you had a haircut?" He asked
"I've had several in the past year", I said *wry smile*

BTW the only reference to the length of time between meetings - no apology, no excuse - he must be straight.

So things were a little awkward to begin with, he was there with some friends who had pretty much circled their wagons. He only introduced me to one (the gay one) who gave me nothing by way of conversation. So I felt a little like the unpopular kid at school, hanging out with the cool kids and laughing at all their in-jokes whose meaning I would never be privy to. I can honestly say that I nearly left because I really had no idea why he wanted me there. It was weird. Was he just clicking his fingers? It was 11pm on a Saturday night when he asked me to come out. Perhaps I shouldn't have gone...but anyway.

Thankfully, I ran into some other friends and had a dance with them. Read: proceeded to get shit faced.

This is where things get a little hazy. As I eluded to earlier, I had been sober for a long time, so the double vodkas I was inhaling meant that in no time I was slurring my words like Anna Nicole at any given awards show (may she rest). I think, I staggered my way back to him and launched myself at him like an inebriated superman, BUT thankfully the feelings were mutual - drunkeness and sexy time.

Now I've gotta say there are some moments in your life that are so symbiotic that you think, if this happened in a film no one would believe it: we were dancing and pashing and then the new song from Kelly Rowland was mixed in. With my internal monologue going "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I tried to maintain my composure as the verse started:

I, I used to think I'd never fall in love
It's like my favorite star
I used to stare at every night 
Came down from the sky 

Oh yeah
When I love the way you touch 
My heart is beating
Boy I just can't get enough 
You got me speechless

Got my hands way up 
I surrender to love 

It was like the soundtrack to my life.

So to cut a very long, tedious story short, he gave me a piggy back home where we had Loz Love in my bed.

He is 6 foot 9 inches and believe me, so is his penis. You know when you order a 20 oz steak and it's all you can think about; and then when it actually comes you realise you may not be able to get through it because your eyes are too big for your belly? But if you really like it, you'll fit it in? Yeah...

So in the morning, things were saccharine sweet. I cooked him breakfast in bed - scrambled eggs, wilted spinach, on a piece of toasted sourdough bread. Seriously, I'm just as surprised as you are - I was shocked we even had a fry pan - but this guy makes me want to cook breakfast for him in bed and break out the spare toothbrush! Normally it's a piece of chewy and you're on your way. So we chatted and while a few mysteries surrounding him were cleared up, I was possibly left with more questions than when we began.

BUT I am glad that something finally happened, if anything so my friends don't think I am some sort of crazy person who meets someone for one night and based on absolutely nothing, becomes fixated on a fantasy life they have created in their mind and can't stop talking about a guy they hardly know. Pfft, as if that would happen. But now I really, really, really want to see him again. Really. Sure there were red flags - he doesn't like things to be too gay; he constantly pointed out other hot guys in the bar; and he dances like a Giraffe giving birth, but I am going to completely ignore these misgivings until I am well and truly past the point of no return.

Think I passed it a while back.

Oh, I almost forgot, he left his necklace at my house! Could be an excuse to see me again or he could have just forgotten it. Either way, I have set up a shrine with candles and joss sticks that I pray to every night.


Only just a little.

Continue the story here.


  1. Once again I bow to you Laurence :-) and call u *bitch*... Where's my 6"9' man with equally large appendage :-)

  2. Did he smack his head on that weird side wall you have?


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