22 August 2011


So, OMG, there have been some serious new developments with the Straight-ish Guy.

It had been a while and I had heard nothing from him, so after a couple of Sunday Chardonnays I decided to take a leaf out of my Talking Dirty to Ze German book and really take the bull by the cock. My texting style with the Straight-ish Guy has always aired on the side of cool and non-committal, but it has been purely in response to his texting style. You could say we have a co-dependent texting relationship - you wanna know the feeling behind my text? Just stick a thermometer up the ass of his last text and you've got your answer. And it has totes been to my detriment. So, about a week ago I decided to start cooking with sass and see what, if any, response I got. Along with my new Relationship Guru (also known as my friend Karen) we (well actually her) formulated the below text.

*I would also like to preface this by saying, The Straight-ish Guy takes at least an infuriating 24 hours to respond to anything I send him* (my comments are in italics):

18.28 Me: You want your necklace, I want your cock. When are we both going to get what we want? I know right? Bolshy and saucy all at the same time. I'm calling it bolcy. Karen, you need a talk show!

19.25 (Shut the front door!!!) The Straight-ish Guy: Hahaha you are too funny...who said that's ALL I want from you?! I'm back in London on the 6th of August. Ok, wait, wait, wait - what do you mean by putting ALL in capitals. And what's with the ?! Actually, you know a wise lesbian once said to me, "Laurence, sometimes an exclamation mark is just an exclamation mark..."

20.15 Me: What is it that you want then? It's my birthday on the 5th so I'll let you think of a suitable present...like I said I want your cock. God, I am really setting myself up for an epic fail with this one - I sound like a sex crazed, cock hungry, porn star. Sometimes I can be, but it's only sometimes. 

21.30 The Straight-ish Guy: Hahaha...see you there or thereabouts. Totes frustrating!

Ok, that happens and I thought maybe I'll hear from him, maybe not. From past unreliable experiences with him, I hedged my bets. Then on the 6th August, this happens:

17.30 The Straight-ish Guy: What are you doing tonight bitch??? :):) Awwww sweet. Can i also just say, so sweet to think of me at 17.30 on a Saturday night. I didn't actually have plans, but that doesn't matter!

17.35 Me: Sucking your cock dickhead. Oh, that Well of inspiration is never gonna dry up, is it? 

17.37 The Straight-ish Guy: Ha ha u r such a charmer...

17.40 The Straight-ish Guy: I thought u were sposed to be classy!? No really. We should just cut this crap and get married..? At this point, I did a victory lap around the lounge room. Whaaaaaaa?? Ok, I am well aware that that was a joke, but even so these subliminal messages are giving me heart palpitations. Breathe.

17.55 Me: I accept yr proposal. So where are we meeting? I toyed with saying, "So where are we registered?" But went with the above.

17.59 The Straight-ish Guy: Well still not sure if and when I'm free (don't yell at me) coz my family are in town  so hosting them and have dinner tonight. Will let u know, hubby...;) So why the fuck are you texting me? Be cool, though, Yolanda, be cool. Hubby though *gushes*

18.11 Me: Well its about time I met the in-laws ;) Let me know when yr free. So casual, I am wearing track pants that I got from JD Sports.

Ok, so that all goes down in the afternoon. Now, can I also just say, I felt like a bowl of cancer after the Birthday celebrations - oh and BTW, no Birthday wish from The Straight-ish Guy. Pfft. So I am laying on the couch hoping nothing happens, because I couldn't even brush my tongue without retching, let alone having a penis like a babies-arm-holding-another-baby rammed down my throat.

21.52 The Straight-ish Guy: Hmmmm what u doin? At wine bar with Bro and cuz, ditched the olds ha ha....not sure where the comedy in that text is, but anyway...I wasn't sure what that meant - did he wanna come over? Me to come out? So I quickly take a shower and make my bed.

22.30 Me: Sorry just fell asleep on the couch. What's the plan Big Spoon? Ok a couple of things here, he calls himself big spoon and me little spoon - I don't think this is specific to me, it sounded like a regular line he uses to assert his dominant presence in the bed. And I love it! And I didn't fall asleep, but time had lapsed and I couldn't very well say I was clippering my balls.

So an hour comes and goes and nothing. I called off the search at about midnight and retired to my precisely made bed. Then at 330am I get a call from The Straight-ish Guy. He wants to come over, but then says it's probably not best considering his parents are staying with him and will wonder where he is in the morning as they are going away together. I agree. Then he calls me a soft cock for not having him over. Then he puts his brother on. We chat about nothing. Then The Straight-ish Guy gets back on the phone, calls me a soft cock again and says that I need to get my beauty sleep because he has "seen" me. Then he tells me he loves me and says goodbye.

3.54 The Straight-ish Guy: Soooooftttttttt cccccooooccccckkkkkk.

3.55 Me: Pissed dickhead.

4.38 The Straight-ish Guy: Cunt.

I have no words at this point. I can't even be bothered. But I will say this: IF I had let him come over, I would have been forever known as 330am booty call guy; that can always be relied on for a super king sized bed to lay his head and a warm mouth to put his super king sized cock. I have way too much self respect for that now. I would rather send him text messages detailing how much I want to suck that giant cock.

You know, baby steps.

So, the next day he texted and asked what we had spoken about the night before citing severe memory loss due to the amount of alcohol consumed. Hmm, that old chestnut. I gave him an abridged version - leaving out the beauty sleep comment and love declaration. I don't wanna make him feel bad considering he called me fugly (BTW, totes untrue) and then jumped about 6 months down the track by telling me he loved me.

I'll save that up for another time.

So the upshot of the next day text exchange was that a date of sorts was arranged the next time he was going to be in London. Yay!

Only taken a year and 2 months. But you know, baby steps.

Continue the story here.


  1. Blimey Loz he sounds like a jerk.....am loving project new boyfriend though!! My fave blog xoxoxox

  2. I think he sounds like a hot piece of ass!


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