10 January 2012


I am totes pissed right now.

I was doing some stalking Facebooking the other day and I actively sought came across a guy who was a totes homophobe to me in another lifetime and now he is a totes Fabergé!

Remember when people said those guys who hate gay people the most are gay themselves? Well its totes true!

AND if that isn't bad enough, he has the hottest boyfriend!!

And I don't!

Is there like a governing body I can write to about this?

Hear me out: I think there should be some sort of points system put into place where you accumulate Hot Boyfriend Credit dependent on all your career experiences as a gay. Then you redeem those points when a hot guy becomes available - the higher the score, the more deserving you are of the hot boyfriend; the lower the score, your penis falls off.

For instance 1. If you were called Barbie Doll Boy (for obvious reasons) from the age of 10 to 12 and in some areas of the world, the name still presides - 100 points

2. If young children openly asked if you were a boy or a girl - 120 points

3. If you had to play AFL football, but longed to be playing GK for the U12 Netball team - 150 points.

4. If you went to a "sporting heroes" fancy dress day at primary school dressed as Steffi Graf - 250 points

5. If you ever had your brand new pencil case graffiti-ed beyond recognition with the word "Poofcake" - 250 points

6. If being called "Poofcake" then evolved into being called "Baker" or "Bake-a-cake" - 300 points

7. If you had a chef's hat, mixing bowl and spoon drawn on every picture of you in the library's copy of the 1992 annual School Magazine - 500 points.

8. If you danced in the loungeroom to Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun with socks on your ears that you referred to as your "girl hair" to the bemusement of your family - 600 points.

9. If you were asked to do jazz ballet, but said no because you knew it would be further social suicide, then spent the whole of that afternoon crying into your pillow because you knew your high kick would have been the best - 650 points.

10. If you couldn't tell the boy you loved in High School how you felt for fear he would probably end your life there and then - 1000 points

11. If the first kiss you ever had was to Venga Boys in a club called the "Roundabout"- 1100 points.

12. If you went to see the Spice Girls Movie with your gay best friend and then were chased off a train by 3 guys because you were Zigga-Zig-ahhh-ing the whole way home - 1200 points

13. If the first gay guy you really liked dumped you for your flatmate after meeting him for a minute - 1300 points.

14. If you thought you were exclusively dating a guy only to find out through his "boyfriend" that he was an escort/ametuer porn star and then, against your better judgement, you completely ignored this information - 1400 points

15. If you then watched that porn film a year later - 1500 points.

16. If you have ever had someone lift up your shirt in a club and then say "sorry you are not what I am looking for this week" - 1600 points.

17. If a guy you met last year waited 8 months to "get back to you" about the date he stood you up for then stood you up for every other date made - 2000 points.

Total score: 14,020

I think I am ready to redeem.

Ok look, I am sure the guy who is a Fabergé now has had his own inner turmoil (he used to wear silky trackpants from 1992 to 1995), but how can I be happy for him knowing that he used to call me "fag" and punch me in the arm for no apparent reason any chance he got.

Maybe he was secretly in love with me!

Awww now I feel sorry for him. All those years he used his fists, when all those years he wanted to use his fist 

Think I might drop him a line.


  1. I think this blog needs more porn...

  2. Oh my days - the first kiss *I* ever had was to Venga Boys, in a club called "WonderBar"...

  3. So love it! My point calculation is around the 20,000. Love Gucci! X


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