13 March 2012


I know it may seem hard to believe, but I once went a whole calendar year without inviting a man into my anus.

It was around the time I had tonged shoulder length hair, girls diamant√© jeans and wedged flip flops/thongs.

OK, I'll admit, hard to get the gay boys to vote for the party I was running for, but I tell myself now it was just a 3 year social experiment to prove that gay men really don't wanna fuck girls.

Mythbusted! (I hate that show)

Oh well.

My drought was not helped either by having it bad for this gay guy who played me like a Bassoon.

Let's call him Sean, because that was his name.

We were vaguely acquainted when we found ourselves on a very drunken night out that culminated in us both catching a night bus going in the wrong direction. You really cut the bullshit when you are dumped on a sidewalk at 3am with hooded gang adjacent.

Maybe I had started to develope feelings before this, I dunno, but either way, I was hooked after I misconstrued a text that was actually a group text not really intended for anyone in particular, however if read incorrectly (which I did), appeared to be a declaration of love as he boarded a plane for his native Canada.

So, when he returned from Canada, I arranged to meet up with him. Being my sparkling self (or at least pretending to be) I was sure something was going to happen.

While I was waiting for him, across the bar I spotted a friend I had not seen in a while, who coincidentally was also called Sean.

When Canadian Sean turned up, I was like, "Oh my God you're name's Sean. And you're name's Sean too. Isn't that funny?"

You know one of those moments in your life when you've never been surer of something happening?

Like Sean + Sean = anal babies?


Just on a sidebar - one of the less obvious pitfalls of being gay is having the same name as your prospective boyfriend. I am sure after a while when you realise the only thing you have in common is a Christian name the novelty fades, but it really just adds another narcissistic layer to our gay onions, doesn't it? We not only want our boyfriends to look like us, we want them to have the same name. Congratulations, I hope you and yourself will be very happy together *yawn*

So, anyway things soured between The Sean's or I sabotaged the relationship *details* and I was out once again with Sean, and he said, "So are you seeing anyone at the moment?"

For the rest of this conversation, I shall hide under the covers.

For the rest of you, below is the transcription:

"No, I'm still single - still looking," *awkward giggle*
"I know someone who would be perfect for you"
"Really, who?"
"His name...his name is Sean"
"Oh Sean, wow, I would really like that"
"I meant your friend Sean, who were you talking about?"

Firstly, I don't know how I got out of that conversation. I think I may have cartwheeled out of the bar, into an idling cab and yelled, "Just drive!"

Secondly, what a load of shit he thought the other Sean would be perfect for me, he was totes testing the waters to see if I took the bait. Hook, line and sinker I might add.

Thirdly, Sean if you are reading this and I would assume anything about yourself you would be reading, you're a cunt.

And fourthly, it may not have been 12 months, but it has been 2 months since Very Public Transport and I am chomping at the bit!


  1. Hey Sean,
    Your posts always make me chuckle and I love the way you write. I am the worst for misconstruing texts. It's a curse.
    Looking forward to the next one.

  2. LOLz. You really do misconstrue a lot! Glad you like the posts x Laurence


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