10 April 2012


I have to tell the truth.

I haven't been exercising in between Personal Training sessions with Marios. He wants me to go to the Gym 3 times during the week and I have been once.

For half an hour.

That's a lie. I haven't been at all.

Now, I am sat here in my Gym-kit ready to go to the Gym for the *first* time on my own and I cannot leave the house. I have my small towel, my water bottle that I am nervously taking short sharp sips out of, I've got my little padlock ready to lock away any possessions and yet I cannot physically get up and walk out the door.

Is there such a thing as gymnasium agoraphobia?


I dunno what the fuck is wrong with me, but I know that a big part of it is walking into a new Gym without the security of Marios to take me by the hand and walk me through every piece of equipment.

It's just like walking into a new school. Only this is a school for Jocks. Let me tell you something about me and Jocks: I used shit in my jocks whenever a Jock would come near me.

Even at the gym that I train at with Marios, there are these guys that just seem to be sitting there with their iPods on staring at you lift a 10kg weight to near breaking point and then they get up and do the same but with a weight 6 times heavier than that. I don't really care what they think of me, but stop making me feel like I don't belong here!

And here comes my old friend Mediocrity to save the day.

This isn't just a couple of sessions at the Gym and then you look like a fitlad, this is a life long commitment. So why bother starting if one day you're not going to go? Why not just park it on the couch with a box of wine and a bag of Doritos? There's a Charmed marathon starting ya fat cunt.

Not that I'm fat, but I'm certainly not this guy
BTW this was my screensaver until about 5 minutes ago before I started hyperventilating. This was the body I wanted and I thought having him pop up every time I logged on or minimised would motivate me, but it just made me more depressed that I hadn't gone up a cup size.

BTW just as a sidebar, not sure whether I wanted this body or just wanted this body on top of me. I'll go with the former.

And now how am I ever going to get this guy...
To be his boyfriend you have to look like the first guy!

That's how gay guys think - it's not about being a nice person, it's not about how funny or cute you are - if you don't have an amazing body like Exhibit A, the only way you are going to get a look in with Exhibit B is through this Instagram and a bottle of lube (and also if you learn Portuguese and move the São Paulo).

So what am I trying to say here?

Am I done? Do I need more time? Should I go postal at my Gym?

Right now, I think I might just sit with my head between my legs for a while.


  1. get thee to thy gym, mate. results will be worth it.

  2. Once you stop choosing potential boyfriends by their looks yourself, you might rethink the attitude towards your own body. IF YOU DON'T LOVE YOURSELF HOW THE HEEEEELL YOU GONNA LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE?!

  3. Go to the gym for yourself. Dont worry about the big guys lifting big weights. People have different goals. We dont all want to be built like a brick shit house!
    I lift lighter weights because id rather have a leaner swimmers type build instead of a bulky one.

    Once you start seeing results it will motivate you to keep going and it wont take long to see results as long as you are eating right :)

    P.S. Love your blog. Hil-ar-ious! X :)


  4. you're hotter than ever ya little agymnasioraphobic. Gym or no gym.

  5. I like you, and this blog. If I were in London and would go on a date with you and let you write about (it would probably go badly). But I'm not, I'm on the other side of the world. Looking forward to reading more though. Here is my blog - http://theinappropriatetruth.tumblr.com/


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