1 May 2012

SPRUNG

Oh my God.

The Straight-ish Guy has found the blog.

Holy. Jizz.

How the fuck? We have absolutely no ties and the ones we have are very tenuous, like we're both Australian. That's it! He doesn't know my last name and can't even spell my first name correctly.

BTW Straight-ish Guy if you are reading this - it's with a 'u' darl.

OK this is weird.

I knew this was bound to happen, but I honestly thought it would be someone else who would discover PNBF - not The Straight-ish Guy.

I know he knows because he sent me the text message below:

Hey Lawrence (with a u!) how you been?!? I'm back in London in a few weeks, wanna catch up? Love, The Straight-ish Guy xx

I know.

I nearly shit in the street.

Fuck! I don't want him to think it affected me at all...Rewrite: Yeah, I got the text and thought, "Wow my marketing plan is really getting results."

Pfft.

Well I think we are past worrying whether he thinks I'm affected or not. That jig is well and truly up.

With that in mind, if you are unfamiliar with The Straight-ish Guy story thus far, I would like to give my 10 Most Memorable Straight-ish Guy PNBF Moments.

Just to refresh yours *and his* memory...

I would also like to say this is by no means a countdown of best to worst or vice versa - just think of it as a cavalcade of car crashes, each one as horrifying as the last.

#1. When he left his necklace at my place and I eluded to making a shrine in his name that I prayed to every night - he's read that!

#2. When I spoke of the symbiotic moment that occurred when Kelly Rowland's What A Feeling was played in the club whilst we were kissing and then quoted swathes of the song, referring to it as the "soundtrack to my life" - he's read that!

#3. When I remarked how easy it was to stalk him on Facebook, then stalked him, then speculated the girl in the profile picture was his girlfriend called "Teagan" - he's read that!

#4. When I revealed that my friend Karen penned most of the dirty texts I sent to him that boozy Sunday afternoon - he's read that!

#5. When I compared his penis to his own height of  6'9" - he's read that!

#6. When I said I was making mental preparations for him to meet my family - he's read that!

#7. When I called him a self absorbed wanker for having a twitter account - he's read that!

#8. When I said he dances like a Giraffe giving birth - he's read that!

#9. When I said I had texted him that I was wanking when in reality I had just vomited - he's read that!

#10. When I said that I had clippered my ass in preparation for the "date" that never happened - he's read that!

And he's probably reading this right now!

Hi there. Whatcha doin'?

Is there anyway that you could shorten the response time to my text messages? I know you are a Straight-ish Guy, but come on, no-one is that busy.

Just a thought.

OK this is turning into a bizarre open letter.

Carrie Bradshaw wrote about the guys she was involved with in a readily available newspaper without any trouble. Aiden was cool with it. So was Big, granted she did give Big a pseudonym like I'm giving The Straight-ish Guy. Not that The Straight-ish Guy is my Mr. Big. Goodness, he's got a lot of work to do before he - CARRIE BRADSHAW IS NOT A REAL PERSON!

*gently rocking*

Carrie Bradshaw is not a real person.
Carrie Bradshaw is not a real person.
Carrie Bradshaw is not a real person.

Sex and the City was not a documentary.
Sex and the City was not a documentary.
Sex and the City was not a documentary.

Sex and the City 2 never happened.
Sex and the City 2 never happened.
Sex and the City 2 never happened.

I have to re-evaluate what I am doing here. Thankfully, The Straight-ish Guy seems to have a sense of humour about it. Just quietly, his ego probably loves the attention (he's read that!) Although, he did say he wanted to "catch up" which could be code for assassinate me. Lesbian Sleeper Cell mobilise! But what if The Pilot found a blog post about him?

And the The Rugby Player? Ooo, I have to tell you about our date. See? I can't help it.

Look I've always said, "You date me, you date my friends." I can't help it if I talk about the guys I'm fond of to my friends - it's because I like them so much.

I'm just doing it on an easily accessible blog.

Guess it's not just my friends who are reading it anymore...

Continue the story here.

11 comments:

  1. Oh dear Laurence.... You've been rumbled.... Keep it coming though!!

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  2. Love love love. And I'm sure 'SIG' loves it too! (Hi there...)

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  3. Pissing myself!! toooo funny ;D

    MH

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  4. This is a great blog. Interesting. Funny. Well-written. In fact, one should even question whether your creative thoughts, exceptional writing ability and quirky sense of humour are truly being properly utilised in a world full of shoes.

    I’ve been particularly interested in the story of The Straight-ish Guy. Do you think that he represents The Straight-Ish Guy that we all find in our lives at some stage? What about calling him The Straight-ish GuyS?

    Anyway, if I may take his (or ‘their’) side for one moment:
    --Is he really akin to the Devil? After all, he didn’t put-out on the first night (not necessarily a bad thing), he wrote some sweet messages, didn’t show offence at your whorish sex-crazed texts, and seemingly entertained you when it mattered?
    --Perhaps the picture of him that you have painted here lacks a slightly different (yet crucial, for the sake of neutrality) point of view?
    --Perhaps he isn’t the closeted jock who travels the world one dirty dance floor pash at a time -- what if sport-talk, spooning and games of slaps are more his thing?
    --Ever thought that maybe his “out of town” excuses were made because he was, well, out of town?
    --Maybe his work life dictates the direction of his relationships, which are indeed fewer and more far between than your own? More than this, what if HE TOO is actually in the midst of his own “Project New Boyfriend”?

    However these are all speculative questions, and so merely act as food for thought... Of course, like you I am entitled to my own opinion. It's just the beauty of you owning a blog is that your opinion just happens to be one that is published and read by the hordes around the world. (The downside, of course, is that this 'horde' can include your subject(s) since you can’t control who has access to your blogs.)

    Oh, at this point I should probably mention an important fact: I am The Straight-ish Guy. Truly.

    TBC in Part 2...

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  5. Continued from Part 1....

    You know those funny moments when you advertise to fill your spare room and the first person who rocks up is the strange chick that sat opposite you in Grade 7 Science? Or when you apply for a job having newly arrived in a foreign country and sitting opposite you on the interview table is your ex’s cousin? Well this is another of those moments.

    Don't ask me how he came across it, but some gay guy who I’ve never met referred a girlfriend of his to this blog to get “an insight into a gay man’s world”. Well that girlfriend loved the blog and thought it appropriate to share the link with one of her closest friends, another gay man living on the other side of the world.

    As in, me. Cuntbag Fucknose.

    Dizzying, eh? I do want the hordes to know one thing though: you certainly cannot be accused of lying. Every event, text, kiss, egg-and-wilted-spinach-on-sourdough breakfast that is reported here is factually quite accurate, even if reported in a one-sided manner.

    Never fear, however, because I realise that stories (and especially blogs) are by their very nature personal and therefore one-sided, and so thrive on that personal touch. This one was just slightly more personal for me than most other readers.

    Anyway, that brings to light a rather unfortunate fact that may disappoint a lot of your followers: all this time, that guy so affectionately coined “The Straight-ish Guy” isn’t straight-ish after all. And I can’t help but think it’s wildly poetic that, in fact, I would have never stumbled across this blog if I HAD have been some ‘straight’ Aussie with a girlfriend who travels the world to shag people like ‘vous’. In truth, it is only because every one of my family members and all of my friends know that I do, in fact, prefer the cock that I was sent the link to your blog by a dear fag-hag of mine, to complete this oh-so-very-entertaining circle of life (minus the African drums and the lions, but not minus the link to Elton John...)

    “A drunken giraffe giving birth?” I’ll take that.
    “Cuntbag Fucknose?” That too.
    “One of those (Twitter) wankers who needs to seek validation?” If you say so.

    But please don’t accuse me of the worst crime of all: being a girl-dater. I’m not THAT crazy.

    xx

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  6. BAHAHAHAHA - NeeNee Loves your work!! ^^ (and still thinks you're a hot piece of ass!)

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  7. A straight ish guy would certainly date mufasa though yes?!

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  8. What straight ish guy in his right mind WOULDNT!!?

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  9. LOOK do you fancy him or not??? SIMPLES!!!

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  10. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA. Oh dear god. I have to stop reading your blog while I'm at work. I'm almost falling off my chair laughing. xox

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  11. Busted ay babe? The day was bound to come. You sexy little blogger xx

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