30 August 2012

DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE THE DATE IN THE ROOM

Now then.

I'm nearly a week into my foray into internet dating. No nibbles as yet, but lets break some things down before we get started.

The word "dating".

By definition I am terrified. And I think most people are.

I'm sorry to all the Americans in the room, please don't be offended, but to go on a "date" just sounds so American. It conjures up a booth in a diner and a soda with two straws. It's too contrived.

The non-Americans in the room will agree, we of the rest-of-the-world prefer to develope unrequited feelings for an extended period of time and then lay in wait for a birthday/house party/work function before we finally make our move - usually with three Jagaer bombs exploding on our insides and slurring sweet nothings into their unsuspecting ears. Never actually asking someone on a date! Too much pressure! Rather waiting until the vulnerability of alcohol has taken hold.

We find it's the more adult approach.

*rolls eyes*

There is a sense of expectation when you say you are going on a "date". What to wear. What to say. Where to go...Then park the word "internet" in front of it and we have the quagmire I find myself thrashing about right now.

First of all, the website I am registered to has pretty stock standard ways to make yourself known to your potential suitor: you can email, IM, wink (total bullshit) or just "view" someone's profile. However even viewing is completely transparent and a notification is sent to let them know you have been having a cheeky perv.

A fact I have only just realised when I kept going back to look at one particular guy because I couldn't believe someone could be that ugly. Seriously, he looked like he was dead and the mortician was not preparing the body for viewing. Now because I have looked at his profile six times in bewildered astonishment, he keeps IMing me.

Lesson learnt, thank you.

There are quite a few people who rely solely on just viewing someone's profile as a means of making contact. If that's the way it's going to be boys, you might as well go back to longing listfully at that cute guy across the bar while you sip your Midori and lemonade wondering when *it* will happen to you. I'm on a time frame!

Then there are the winkers. I find winking lazy, coy and unproductive. I am online right now (oh yeah, we're doing this in real time) and a guy just winked at me who was kinda cute, so I sent him an email introducing myself and then, he, umm, just winked again...

That's it? Did your fingers just become mute?

What a winker.

Sidebar: one guy has put a picture of himself with one of the shirtless models at Abercrombie and Fitch. Now, look, I'm no expert but if you don't look like an Abercrombie and Fitch model then don't upload a photo where you will immediately be compared to one.

My friend suggested for every guy I contact that I am interested in, I should contact someone I am not because you never know what gems could be uncovered.

I'm dubious, but go on...

So I asked this guy where was the beach he was on in his picture because I thought it looked familiar. I didn't really think it looked familiar, but I didn't know how to say, I am completely uninterested in your profile but my lesbian friend said I should email you because you could have a nice personality, and not sound like a cunt.

"The beach is in the Bahamas".

No follow up question, no polite conversation, just an old fashioned shut down. I know internet dating is sometimes for the socially awkward but come on! And I wasn't even interested in him!

So I emailed back, "I just came, night."

So far, it all seems like everyone is standing at the bar waiting for their favourite song to come on before they start dancing. There just doesn't seem to be a willingness to commit to an email exchange let alone a meeting.

Better put your drinks down gays and get amongst it, it's gonna be a while before GaGa comes on.

Oh shit, I just winked at someone.

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