23 August 2012

GRINDR WITHOUT COCK SHOTS

So, I'm gonna to start internet dating.

Did that admission suddenly lower your estimation of me? Well bear with...

Considering I had such a poor showing at the Olympics - no, Ryan Lochte didn't RSVP to my anus - I need to redeem myself.

I think the stigma surrounding online dating has somewhat subsided considering we live in a world where we can buy almost anything online. And Lord knows the gays are ONLINE

We certainly have blazed a globally positioned trail littered with used condoms and empty lube sachets when it comes to cyber hook-ups.

So if you've got a valid credit card, why not buy love online?

That didn't come out quite right, but let's cut the shit - there is a transaction with love the commodity, right?

So, as I entered my details into the profile page, I wondered why some people think negatively about internet dating. I guess, it gives the impression that you cannot meet anyone in your everyday life. Pfft, yeah, what of it? Perhaps it implies that you don't have the social skills to nab that perfect partner as you shuffle about your bell tower throwing faeces at the people on the street.

Did that happen in the story? I feel like it did.

There is always a *moment* when someone answers the "where did you guys meet" question with "online dating."

I have openly laughed in peoples faces because I thought it was a bit in their comedy routine. And for that I apologise. But I did it because for straight women it conjures up lonely hearts clubs populated by the over 40s with one viable egg between them all. And for straight men it conjures up balding sexpests with erectile dysfunction.

Not my vibrant friends and certainly not the jokers in this ad.

(Just so you know, she's dead in a ditch)

I guess I have to leave my preconceptions at the login page.

I wonder if it is the same for gays though? Have we evolved (or devolved) too far the other way and a simple profile pic and a list of your favourite movies has to be accompanied by a picture of your penis? For me, anything that has "online" and "gays" in the same sentence spells sex parties and cum baths.

*wishes*

Can gay men actually legitimately use dating sites for, well, dating? Or is online dating just Grindr without cock shots?

I get it though. Even some of the websites get it, begrudgingly including an "adult only section" for premium members. But what if you came down on Christmas morning and all your presents were unwrapped? Laid bare for you with no surprise? I'd be pissed. Same thing if I saw a picture of the guys cock who I was having a Pad Thai with later that night. Why do we have to have it all laid out on the table before the fact *if* we have joined a website specifically to meet a long term partner.

BTDubs the thought of posting a picture of my penis online leaves me cold, but if you don't does that say something about your penis?

So enough discussion, it's time to put my credit card where my mouth is.

OK. Let's start: my profile.

First of all, you have to choose a profile pic. Ugh. At least on Facebook you can look like a dick for your friends eyes only. Do I take a photo specifically? Or do I casually crop a photo already in existence?

Casually crop a photo already in existence is my answer. I detest staged webcam pouts.

Now words. How would you describe yourself?

I felt like I was on weird dating version of Supermarket Sweep, trying to pile as many of the suggested adjectives into my relationship trolley...easy going, sociable, thoughtful, adventurous, confident, enthusiastic, funny, helpful, spontaneous, sensitive, reflective.

Shit, I sound amazing.

Let's break it down though: easy going, I don't like confrontation. Sociable, I like to drink. Thoughtful, only when you are. Adventurous, I'm going to XXL. Confident, meh. Enthusiastic, usually mistaken for sarcasm. Funny ha ha not funny. Helpful, bwhaha that's funny. Spontaneous, I know it's Monday but let's totes get another bottle of wine. Sensitive, DIVA. Reflective, silent treatment.   

Apparently I also like racquet sports. Who knew?

I like short films, action films, independent films, adventure, horror, documentaries, drama, comedy, science fiction, fantasy, historical, romantic comedy - basically all films. In my spare time I like dancing, writing, television, reading, travel/sightseeing, watching sports, coffee/conversation, bars/pubs, music, concerts, nightclubs/dancing, cinema, evening with friends. I listen to classical, electronic-tecnho, pop-rock, dance and DJ.

Man I'm busy. And apparently I DJ. I don't think I have time for any of these bozos.

I have to say, as much shit as I write about myself on here, I could not write 2 positive sentences to advertise what I want, to save my life.

I think I said, "I'm looking for that special someone to make me laugh"

*rolls eyes*

What an asshole.

So, I am up an running. Now we wait...

2 comments:

  1. The thought of internet dating makes me want to kill myself. Good Luck!

    ReplyDelete
  2. OH! Internet Dating!! Talking from a straighties point of view, it was not ALL balding, fattie, sex pests but there were some true classic and unforgettable experiences that were either really funny or just plain horrific...The truth is though, they made my life richer and pushed me and my thought process somehow. Overall, I felt comforted meeting people who were really great and single like me, people who were also just tryna find their way in this world and wanted a travel buddy.

    The truth is, I found being honest was best. I would meet for a drink in a big social place. If it was not there, I would sit for a drink or two, have a laugh, make them feel good and then just say "Look, I have had a great time and you are brilliant but for me, the chemistry is just not there but good luck" Most guys did ok with that, I think they admired it. Some were not so gracious but fek it, better to avoid stalker-ville.

    If the chemistry is there, chase it the fuk down! I had to chase my ridiculous partner, tell him he better deliever the fairytale or I am outtie!

    I think you are so fukking amazing and whoever is lucky enough to take your fancy will be the luckiest man alive...

    Keep us posted, we are all rooting for you!!

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