13 September 2012


So, I am right in the swing of this internet dating bizo.

Just quietly, I'm little bit obsessed. I'm alt-tabbing as we speak. Still haven't been on any dates but have had a couple of nibbles from some surprisingly handsome and non-weird men. Still getting unwarranted attention from the weird ones, but quite frankly that could be any given Saturday night.

I have been emailing a nice young man we shall call The Ginger because he is. I dunno what it is about ginger guys and me at the moment. I just can't get Prince Harry in that Vegas hotel room out of my head. Also that guy who won the long jump at the Olympics, Greg Rutherford. I saw him on the telly the other day and I needed to sponge myself off at the end of it.

OK I'm getting off track.

So, I've come to the realisation that I am a projector. A massive PROJECTOR. I can't help play out scenarios in my mind's eye of how I think a relationship will go. Everything from our first kiss, right down to the curtains in our dream house. I know, sexy isn't it? I've never been a dater who can just enjoy someone's company for the here and now and not think about the long term future. Not define something, not know where it's going. No, I need to draw a detailed schematic relationship diagram in my head while we're ordering starters.

Have done it with most of the guys I have been with. Have done it with most of the guys I would like to be with. And doing it right now with The Ginger.

I think I use it as a vetting system. If I can't see it happening in my mind's eye, then how will it ever happen in my actual eye?

That worked better in my mind's eye.

I know, clearly I'm insecure about surrendering myself to someone, but I can't turn off the projection once it has started!

I also think it is a way of never actually meeting anyone because if my mind's eye doesn't approve (and she rarely does, she is such a picky bitch) then I don't pursue it. Or if it doesn't work out the way it did in my mind's eye, then it's undermined.

Man, I'm even exhausting myself.

Let me write for you what my mind's eye had to say for herself the other day after I read The Ginger's email to me. Our jumping off point will be that in his profile he had *innocently* remarked he has "a great group of friends."

And go:

I wonder what his friends will be like? I wonder what they will think of me? I'm sure they'll love me, I'm pretty user friendly [insert mind's eyes image of me and his friends at a pub enjoying a pint, laughing]
I wonder what my friends will think of him [insert mind's eyes image of him and my friends at a pub enjoying a pint, laughing] I am sure if I like him, they will like him. Except maybe Niamh [insert mind's eyes image of my friend Niamh saying, What the fuck?] Could I see myself with a ginger? [insert mind's eyes image of only black and white pictures of us] It's a life long commitment. Like a puppy [insert mind's eyes image of a Labrador puppy with a bow tied around it's neck] [closely followed by another mind's eyes image of the same Labrador puppy, on the street, the bow frayed] I wonder how long before we move in with each other? [insert mind's eyes image of me carrying boxes into an unknown building] I hope he has a nice place. Maybe I could move in there? [the mind's eyes image of the unknown building has now become his place] I wonder if we will eventually get married? [insert mind's eyes image of the Hamptons] Will I be presented to him? [insert mind's eyes image of me being drawn to him by a horse in a pumpkin style coach] Or would we just walk toward each other? [insert mind's eyes image of us both parachuting onto a gigantic 'I DO'] We should definitely get married in a neutral location, like Spain [insert mind's eyes image of Sitges] I think it should be black tie. But should we both wear tuxedos? It's a little matchy-matchy [insert mind's eyes image of lesbians in matching white tuxedos] I wonder what our wedding waltz will be? [insert mind's eyes image of BeyoncĂ© singing 'At Last' by Etta James while we slow dance] Maybe we should do a choreographed dance [insert mind's eyes image of bride doing running man to Sir Mix-a-lot] I think we should definitely adopt from an African country [insert mind's eyes image of me in a bandanna working in an orphange in South Africa] [insert mind's eyes image of me with Oprah] A boy and a girl, I think [insert mind's eyes image of us on the Rosie O'Donnell gay families cruise] I hope he's tall.

And I hadn't even responded to his email.

But I'm sure my mind's eye would have something to say about that.

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