20 October 2012


Oh God. I went on a first date in a very long time last week.

I know it sounds odd, but with all the my chat about guys I rarely go on dates. I know, totes ridic.

Could be the reason why my relationships don't last longer than breakfast, but who *really* knows for sure.

So, I have decided to get out there and start to date. After all this is called Project New Boyfriend.

I saw this guy out at a vigorously frequented bar this previous Saturday. Tall, yes. Broad, yes. Blonde, not my first preference, but I will suffer through it. Before we even began there were red flags. For instance, while The Tall Blonde was giving me the eye, he had some other gay trying to get his attention whom he ended up face raping in plain view.

I thought, oh well, semi-disappointed that my semi didn't get seen to, but there was plenty of opportunity left in the swaying throng.

Then The Tall Blonde kept looking over at me as his man friend danced beside him, who was oblivious to the dance floor serenade going on between myself and his suitor.

As they hugged each other The Tall Blonde stared over the other guys shoulder at me. I thought this is tacky and stumbled my way to the bar appalled. I'm so much more classier than that as I slipped in a drink spilt on the floor. Suddenly The Tall Blonde was next to me.

"I don't have a lot of time, put your number in here," he slurred sliding his iPhone into my hand.

I felt like we were embarking on gay espionage.

He disappeared as quickly as he came and I was left with a vodka lemonade and a whole lot of questions.

The next day he texted me and we arranged a rendezvous on Wednesday. A date, I guess.

So we meet and I realise the reason why he was slurring was not because he was drunk, it was because he is Polish. Oops. Dobry wieczór!

So we went for a drink and straight out of the gate it was hard work. I think I asked most of the questions for the first half hour. I even asked the same question twice. And got the same boring answer. This is why I don't date. Like an interview with not enough alcohol.

He worked in HR and told me that he had completed a course that studied the brains neurological pathways or some bullshit like that, but the upshot of that was when he met someone he could tell within 5 minutes what sort of person they were.

He then said, "I know exactly who you are."

I bristled, "What a bottom? Hardly a forensic investigation."

I then said I knew exactly who he was too and threw my drink in his face.

Should have done that, but instead I sat through 2 hours of tedium looking for an out. Can I make a complaint with HR?

The next day he texted to say he had a great time. And I was really honest and told him there was no chemistry from my side and rather than lead him on, I think we should just end it there. Neurological pathway that!

Below is his response:

Thanks for making this straight. Tbh I was gonna say something similar. Was gonna give it a go and do another date but doubt it would change anything.

Tbh, bitch got burned.

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