24 January 2013


So anyway, I've been on a few dates with this one guy we shall refer to as The Theatre Queen because he is just that a Total.Theatre.Queen.

Whatever. We've all got our vices.

OK I'm only gonna say this once: I fucking hate musicals. I have never seen The Wizard of Oz. I walked out of Dreamgirls. And I HATED Les Misérable.

There, fire me from homosexuality.

Anyway, I can feel this thing with The Theatre Queen slipping into the "just friends" category very soon because once you have a one sided conversation about what you hope the first song will be in the new musical production of The Bodyguard, the loss off wood is generally instantaneous.

But I actually don't want any new friends. I'm done. I've got enough. In fact I think I am well over my quota and it's time for a cull.

What I don't have is enough boyfriends.

Let's just call this what it is - two people who haven't connected enough to warrant a relationship (or at least house seats to Viva Forever because you "know someone" *rolls eyes*) and who are too polite to abruptly bring the curtain down (AHHH), so to save face label it as "friends" when we both know the death knoll has sounded and it will peter out at the end of this sentence.

I am so sure of this I haven't even saved him in my phone. He is just a nameless number at the beginning of my contacts. Harsh, but I know he will never text me and I will never text him.

This hasn't always been the case, when I was younger I made friends with all my ex flings: it happened when I met my best friend. We hit it off right away bonding over the cinematic masterpiece Bring It On on a dance floor in the year 2000. As we spirit fingered each others souls, I thought how could someone be so perfect?

So we thought it would be best if we dry humped for an hour on my settee just to make sure we weren't missing out on a great relationship opportunity.

We weren't. So, instead of becoming life partners, we became non-sexual life partners. Granted that was confusing a budding bromance with a budding romance, but why couldn't we just be friends in the first place instead of rubbing our gennies against each other through distressed denim?

I don't think straight people ever have this problem. When two straight guys meet and become friends, they don't go straight for each others pants *wishes* the same with two straight girls - I think they just get on the same cycle.

Even when a guy and girl become friends, can they just be friends or is a good dry humping an uneasy inevitability regardless of the sexuality? I'm going to air on the side of "just friends".

But can straight people really just be friends?

I find usually the people who say they were friends first and then lovers are the girls. Because you can guarantee that the guy immediately had feelings/a boner for her, but she wanted to be friends/blue balled him. And good for her, the girls I know who were just friends/blue balled the guy are now married to him.

That doesn't work for the gays. You blue ball one guy and he will just go cream pie another.


But I am digressing.

I guess what I am trying to say is The Theatre Queen and I were probably never going to work as a couple so why did we even try? Why couldn't we just be friends in the first place and avoid the inevitable awkward textual silence?

Oh yeah, coz I said I don't want any more friends.

Well I guess it's time to question whether the friendship boundaries are firmly set in place or can I just start recruiting a boyfriend from my friendship circle? After all I can become friends with all my ex-lovers, why not become a lover with a friend? Some of my most successful and lasting relationships have been the friendships I have made over my life. It seems silly not to grab these opportunities, throw them on the sofa and dry hump the shit out of them.

I can literally hear a collective "Oh shit" being sighed by all my single friends as they nervously scroll through this post. Don't worry, it's just a thought I had. But let's not fool ourselves that in the split second we met each other (or perhaps a more considered response), whether it be conscious or subconscious, that we haven't all asked the same question.

Is he a friend or a fuck?

1 comment:

  1. This post was a little too sex and the setee (SJP) but I know what you mean.
    I think its an exclusively--and instinctively--gay male thing to want to fuck firs, think later. Most of my gay friends have slept with each other or some of their best friends are ex-fucks. But I think once you go from fuck to friend its harder to go back to fuck. Doesn't really happen unless there is a drastic change (physically or emotionally) on one end, and the other person has been secretly pining for the other all along.


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