26 March 2013


Hiya. Been a while. I guess the lack of Valentine really took it out of me this year. Whatevs.

So anyway, I decided to give internet dating the flick.

Too many cock teasers. Too many £££. Too many freaks.

But before I closed my account, I decided to have one last roll of the foreskin and sent my phone number to a handsome young chap we shall refer to as Indecisions, Indecisions.

After a few days he texted. Now, I'm not sure how far I'm supposed to accommodate someone whom I have never met, but my guess is the majority of people would have deleted him from their life long before I did. I guess it's the *desperate* in me. Or is it the romantic?

Anyway below is our verbatim too and fro. I am giving it what for in italics:

He:  Hi. I am from internet. Just got back from France. I so tired. How are you?

From internet? Lofty. I am also guessing by your sentence structure that you are not from here. Let alone the internet.

Me: I am good. Do you want to meet for a drink?

He: Yes. But I am busy this week. What about Thursday or weekend?

OK let me preface my response: first dates on the weekend are strictly prohibited. There is no excuse like work to give if you need to run off early or move to another country. They think they've got you for the whole night. It's a week night or forget it.

Me: I can do Thursday.

He: Good morning. How do you want to meet up on Thursday? I am off after 3pm

Now, I am down with the shift workers, but how am I supposed to work with this finish time other than filling in a holiday form?

Me: I finish work around 630 shall we meet central? Soho?

He: Hi, my tel is dying and I lost my charger. Do you want to skype?

Er, no. 

He: I can not make it tomorrow. Sat

I'm sorry is that an invitation to meet on Saturday? Or are you sitting down? SAT exam? Sat Nav?

He: Hi did you get my message? I found my charger. Phew, all future telecommunications were hovering dangerously in limbo Are you free on Saturday? No! I was free on fucking Thursday!

Me: I did sorry I was at dinner. I wasn't really. I can't do Saturday. What night are you free next week?

He: Fine. No need to get snippy I think Friday. Technically still the weekend.

Me: Sorry has been a very busy day at work not really I'm sorry I can't do Friday. I have a farewell at work actual truth Let me know when you are free any other day just not the weekend.

He: No worries. Next Saturday? Faaaark! What do you do for a living? How do you like spending your time off? I spend most of my time texting you trying to arrange a date. 

Me: Saturday is good caved We could get a drink and then go from there. I had to, this was going to drag on forever.

2 weeks later...after no Saturday date and no contact.
Late Friday night
He: Hi

Me: Hi.

He: Sorry. I know it's late. Late like late night or late like 2 weeks late? I'm still happy to meet. Oh good.

Me: That's OK. It all got a bit difficult. I am still happy to meet too I wasn't really, I was drunk and vulnerable on a night bus How does next Friday work?

He: What difficult? You! I will let you know. I thought we could meet up this weekend.

No, no, no. Don't assume I am free. Don't you dare assume that I am free to meet up the day after your invitation arrives. Especially on a weekend (I was free, but after-thought invitations for a weekend event on a Friday are not cool).

Me: Not difficult, we are just busy people you are actually quite difficult. I can't this weekend, I have plans. What about next weekend? Maybe coffee? Saturday?

He: Oki doki. Ha! I will let you know next week. Have a good night!

Me: You too.

Me: O

He: ?

Me: Sorry I put my phone back in my pocket without locking it. Really didn't need that to confuse the situation further. Have a good night.

2 weeks later
He: Hi. How are you? When are you available to meet up?

I didn't respond. What a bitch. And by bitch I mean me. Who stands for this shit? Oh yeah, me. Sooo many times.

I understand people have busy schedules, but come on! There has to be some reason why a date cannot be penned in. Maybe he's a Catfish! I fucking love that show. If you haven't seen it, it's when real people fall in love online with someone who is not who they say they are. And these two film makers facilitate a meeting between the Catfish and some hot straight guy who thinks he was talking to a girl called Amber but is really talking to a 52 year old gay Lama.


Genuinely one of the most compelling reality shows I have ever seen. If there's a marathon and I'm watching one, I'm watching all of them! I love it when the guy says, "Yeah she doesn't have a phone, so we've never spoken." That's because Lama's have hooves and can't use keypads.

Anyway, validation is one of the common reasons why the Catfish create a fake online persona. I think there is a little bit of Catfish in all of us online. Someone sends you an email, someone adds you to their favourites - suddenly you're not the balding hermit with breath like bin juice. Your profile pic is cute - albeit 5 years old and taken from the side. Through a fence. Soldier out into the world because somebody out there thinks you are cute enough to send a virtual wink. Why don't you go and have a virtual wank because that's all you're ever going to get.

Not sure what just came over me. Probably that virtual wank I had earlier.

I emailed an exceedingly high number of guys on internet dating. I was an email whore. And nothing came back. I dunno. Maybe I didn't have good game. But I hardly think I've taken a battering with the ugly stick. My photos are cute, albeit from about 5 years ago. Taken from the side and through a fence. Pfft. It just pisses me off when you see those misleading dating website adverts with some guy who would NEVER be on a dating website say shit like, "I'm just too busy to meet people, so internet dating is perfect for me". Well regardless of whether it's off the internet or through friends or a drunken Saturday night pash, you've still gotta actually be in the same room.

I guess my hypothesis has been proven - in the absence of cock shots, dating websites where you reveal only your favourite films don't really work for the gays. We want to see it all up front and ask what your fave film is later. Murial's Wedding if you were wondering, but I guess you weren't so here is a picture of my cock.

I guess it's back to the bars then.

1 comment:

  1. Hurry up Loz - I'm frothing for your next blog!


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