20 September 2014

THE ANDERSON COOPER

So. I'm Grindr-ing a Hot Daddy.

Well, to be precise I'm Grindr-ing The Anderson Cooper.

Not AC himself, but his dishy, Siberian Husky coloured doppelgänger.

And if I'm honest, he's more Grindr-ing me.

First of all, I know, I'm on Grindr. After swearing to Taylor Swift I would never go there guurl, I have succumbed. What can I say? I'm an instant gratification whore. And I think you are too.

I have to say I have been having a whale of time on there. And it's not all about sex: I was having a very intellectual chat to a handsome young man about his career and what he does with his time outside of work. I thought, this guy is nice, we've managed to incubate this chat beyond the initial introductions and are now enjoying a stimulating conversation. I had just finished encouraging him to write because he said he always wanted to, but never found the time nor the confidence to put anything down on paper, when he didn't message me back for about 15 minutes. I thought, maybe he's already started that novel. Then he messaged, "You horny?"

So it's not all about sex.

But it mostly is.

Anyhoo back to The Anderson Cooper. I said a long time ago that my age limit with men was whatever age Madonna was. I said that as I was kissing a 47 year old which was Madonna's age at the time. 

God remember when Madonna was 47?

And relevant?

Well now I am capping the age at 47 because it seems like the last time Madonna was at her best (Confessions on a Dance Floor, am I right?). And she's like 156 now. So, ewww.

Well The Anderson Cooper scrapes in at 47. So yay!

Anyway I was over at a friends place one night and decided to open Grindr to check out the area and show my face - new area, new set of admirers - when I spied Coopie looking all wise and 47-y. I thought I must message that man, but what to say? This guy is experienced, he's not gonna settle for any old line. I'm a writer (when I feel like it) I should be able to come up with a spiffy opener that will not only let him know how hysterical I am, but will also make his foreskin role back all by itself. OK here goes.

Hey

That was it. Not even a full stop. And I love punctuation! But honestly that seems to do the trick. Every time. Hey. That's all. Three little letters that convey sooooo much. It basically lets any potential suitor know that you are interested, but also that you are so nonplussed by this conversation (and Grindr in a broader sense) that you might not respond to even their response - you've got plenty of other Hey's to RSVP to BTW FYI. It also denotes a high level of masculinity. After all it's not HaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY is it?

Anyway Coopie responded in the morning with "Morning". Original.

OK I have to say something before I go any further: I would like to count myself amongst the millions of gay men who have once uttered the words, "I want a Daddy". And The Anderson Cooper IS a Daddy.

But I think once someone is identified as a Daddy, they have a shelf life of about 3 maybe 5 years depending on what age they entered Daddy-hood. These years are the difference between a Hot Daddy and Decrepit Daddy.

Haven't you noticed as you get older you need to put in more hours at the gym to maintain that hot body? Whereas when you were younger, all you had to do was join a gym and somehow your abs were more defined? Imagine what it must be like for The Anderson Cooper to maintain that that Hot Daddy Body? I'm never going to fucking see him!

Look at Tom Ford and his husband. I thought Tom was being haunted by a ghost before I realised it was his partner. Kind of like the little boy in Insidious - it's not the fashion house that's haunted, it's the your Creative Director. I'm sure he would have started out as a Hot Daddy - well maybe a Hot Father-Figure before he turned into a Grandfather-Figure. But I bet Tom didn't think about that when they met! He was probably blinded by the wise words, the guiding hand, the house in the Hamptons. Who could blame him?

Maybe I'm missing the point and Tom is actually in love with his Grandaddy. Mazel Tov. But for me I couldn't roll over every morning and be faced with a cast member from Last of the Summer Wine.

So anyway, the trail ran cold with The Anderson Cooper for a while until I sent a photo of me on a beach that may or may not have been taken last year. And may or may not have been taken after I blasted my body at the gym for a month leading up to the holiday. And may or may not have been taken after I had been spray tanned on a Mexican beach by a small man called José that made my body look like a greased up thoroughbred after winning the Kentucky Derby.

#greasedupthoroughbred

To which his response was, "I am going away, but will be back in 10 days will you wait for me?"

Well, der Coopie.

He's been sending me the most adorable holiday snaps of his crotch while he has been away.

*squeals*

I think he might be The One. I better get to the gym.

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