2 October 2014


He's back! Back from holiday and back in contact.

For those of you yet to discover the sliver fox that is Coopie, catch up.

I honestly thought I had lost him or that he had died - which is a possibility due to his proximity to 50. Then I remembered his Grindr profile and how active he was running, swimming, kayaking, flying trapeze. All heart healthy activities for the older generation.

People write such bullshit about themselves, I wish we could all just be honest with each other when it comes to our online selves. No one ever writes that they suck their thumb while masturbating themselves to sleep do they? It's the same with facebook. It's always, I'm at a party, I'm on a beach, I'm having a baby.

It's never, I'm on a park bench crying.

So anyway, one day I was on a park bench crying when I opened Grindr to see that The Anderson Cooper or Coopie had sent a message. He was back and he would like to see my penis in person.

I was so excited, my foreskin rolled back so far over my head, I was just a knob and pouch.

I immediately started to tap my response when I stopped myself, remembering the dating game rules. So I waited at least 10 more seconds and then I responded. Didn't want to seem too keen.

After about 10 minutes of waiting for his response, I realised, I was probably too keen and had blown it. Then a full 4 hours after my message, he responded. This old duck knew how to play.

I guess when you have dated for as long as I have, you build up a catalogue of experiences that somewhat shape the way you respond to certain dating dilemmas, but that wealth of knowledge immediately goes out the window the moment you meet someone you like AND if they appear to like you. However it is difficult to decipher if someone is being cool to preserve their excitement at the potential foreverness they might have found in you or whether they are just a cunt who cannot be bothered to text you back for the rest of the day.

Anyway, more Grindr-ing ensued later that evening.

There was an organic, fair trade end to our Grindr-eve and I tucked myself into bed and drifted off to sleep confident in the connection that had been rediscovered with The Anderson Cooper.

Then yesterday afternoon I was floating around my local supermarket like a loved up balloon. The anticipation, the ecstasy, the doubts, the fears, the roller coaster, the constant checking of Grindr for a message, the data usage, the proximity of The Anderson Cooper to me being 10 feet, the half off Stilton, THE PROXIMITY OF THE ANDERSON COOPER TO ME BEING 10 FEET!

Holy jizz. There in the fucking fruit and veg section of my local Sainsbury's holding a cabbage was The Anderson Cooper!


I immediately fell back into a rack of assorted pastries and baked goods. A woman stopped and looked as though she was going to offer me a hand. I opened my mouth and made a sound that was reminiscent of the character Jodie Foster played in Nell. So when the women looked as though she was going to call security, I quickly commando rolled into the dairy section and staked out the situation.

He was still holding the cabbage.

What the fuck was I doing? We had chatted online FFS for ages. We were going to have to meet in the flesh eventually. I just didn't want to do it in such a harsh fluorescent light. And I wasn't wearing my CBJs (cute butt jeans).

After psyching myself up for what seemed like an eternity, I finally walked around the corner, past the discounted cheeses, to make my introduction. But he was nowhere to be found.

I walked back to the dairy aisle. Not there. Poultry section. Gone. Condiments. Vanished. I walked back to the front of the store and there in the car park, I saw him hop into a red car. I'm not a big car enthusiast, so that is as far as that description will go. I did see his number plate and contemplated taking it down and then wondered how I would broach the subject with the police. Can I run a missing persons report on a potential Grindr shag?

As he high tailed it out of the car park, I couldn't help but wonder, did he come all that way for a cabbage?

Later that evening, I checked Grindr and he hadn't been on since that afternoon. I was tempted to ask how the cabbage diet was going, but I closed Grindr and went to bed. I was getting a bit mental.

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