23 December 2014

12 GAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Heading home to a hot bed of heterosexuality, religious overtones and carbs this festive season? Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle, just follow my easy step by step guide to turn yuletide jeer into yuletide cheer! 

TIP #1 DROP SOME COIN
What’s the point of having a disposable income if you can’t buy the family's affection at Christmas? They’ll be so bamboozled, they’ll forget about damning you to hell for eternity.
RECOMMENDATION: rent a convertible and drive up with the roof down and the back seat stacked with presents like a BMW sleigh.
BONUS ROUND: get the kids to refer to you as the “Gay Santa”.

TIP #2 BRING YOUR FAG HAG
There is nothing like bringing a third party to keep the family in check. Create the illusion of heterosexuality with the fun of a Fag Hag. Haven’t they always wanted to be your girlfriend anyway? Ouchy!
RECOMMENDATION: request to share a bed and confuse the fuck out of everyone.
BONUS ROUND: getting Nanna to put you back in the Will.

TIP #3 HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY
When the initial hoopla surrounding your arrival dies down, it’s reassuring to know there is a departure date agreed upon between you and the family. Limiting your stay is always going to be beneficial to your health and the well being of others.
RECOMMENDATION: leaving before Christmas day is usually frowned upon.
BONUS ROUND: offending everyone so they leave.

TIP #4 O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL
Midnight mass is a must in your Christmas calendar – forget religious worship, it's time for the prodigal gay to return *jazz hands*
RECOMMENDATION: work that centre isle like it’s Milan fashion week. This is your chance to parade your new Dolce!
BONUS ROUND: when mass is finished, walk out clapping asking where the after party is.

TIP #5  PREPARE FOR UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS
Shut those meddlers down with a witty retort likely to make them never interfere, much less speak to you ever again.
RECOMMENDATION: when your uncle asks how do you know that you’re gay if you've never had sex with a girl? Have an answer pre-prepared like how do you know you are straight if you've never been fucked up the ass so hard that your vision blurs?
BONUS ROUND: making grown men cry.

TIP #6 AN INCLUSIVE CHRISTMAS
Trump your minority with another minority! Bring home one of God's chosen people. They won't know where to look when you introduce David as your latest fuck puppet.
RECOMMENDATION: tell all the children Jesus is magic.
BONUS ROUND: replacing the after lunch game of Monopoly with spin the dreidel.

TIP #7 AVOID CHRISTMAS PARAPHERNALIA
Try not to give your homophobic uncle from Wales any more excuses to heckle from the other side of the table during a rendition of Ding Dong Merrily on High.  
RECOMMENDATION: Bon Bons, fairy lights, “mince” pies – stay away! Nothing gayer than being adorned with a flimsy pink Christmas paper hat, eating a mince pie, draped in fairy lights.

TIP #8 DIVIDE AND CONQUER
Unwanted attention from family members should never be tolerated. If the conversation is heading down a familiar path that always leads to a fight, it’s time to create a diversion with some home family truths.           
RECOMMENDATION: don’t just acknowledge the pink elephant in the room, ride in on it! Uncle John’s toupee, Aunt Martha’s lesbian affair, Grandpa’s nappies – everything is fair game.
BONUS ROUND: start a rumour and see how long it takes to get told to you as fact.

TIP #9 FEIGN INTEREST IN FOOD
Christmas lunch is usually riddled with carbohydrated naughtyness. Remember you could be going days without hitting the gym, and apart from the handjobs, you’re going to miss your cardio workout.
RECOMMENDATION: feed it to your fag hag – don’t they eat their emotions anyway?
BONUS ROUND: leading a spin class in the loungeroom.

TIP #10 GET INVOLVED
Assign yourself a task: help the host set the table, peel the potatoes, re-stump the house. The more activity people have the less chance there is of realising they would like to section you and the rest of the family.
RECOMMENDATION: walk around holding something as though you are moving it to another part of the house. 
BONUS ROUND: never put it down.

TIP #11 START DRINKING
You are going to need all the help you can muster to make it through this festive season. And Christmas is one of the only days of the year you can start drinking before noon and not be judged. So get amongst it.
RECOMMENDATION: challenge one of the looser canons of the family to a 12 days of Christmas drinking game and sit back while your handy work kicks off.
BONUS ROUND: getting them to take the their shirt off and dance on the breakfast bar.

TIP #12 LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS
If there is anything you've learnt as an adult, it’s that expectations are the mother of all fuck ups. So lower them and any positive yuletide repercussions will be a bonus!
RECOMMENDATION: just think about last Christmas.

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