31 March 2015


I think I have said this before. I am not good with the subtleties of flirting.

Unless you are tongue pashing my asshole, I have no idea if you are interested or not.

This happened just recently to me when a guy who may or may not be straight, asked a pretty interesting question about what sort of guys I was into and then basically asked if I was into the physical description of himself with a wry smile on his face.

I didn't really know what to say, but in hindsight I should have said, if you are asking whether I am into you or not, I will suck your dick faster than you can say bi-curious.

But instead I went for, "Yeah, I like most guys" and then went "Oh my god I love this song" and went and danced with my friends.

Then there are the other times when I go the other way and think that everyone is coming onto me.

I was out a couple of months ago and I was chatting to a friend I hadn't seen in a very long time. He told me he had a new boyfriend and everything was going just swimmingly. His new BF was not there, but might be joining us later. Then later that night, my friend introduced me to his new BF, but without saying "This is my new boyfriend," he simply said "This is David". David was hot. And so lovely and attentive, I completely forgot the conversation we had had previously in the evening and immediately thought David and I were being set up.

I even took him to the bar and bought him a drink, while my friend looked on very confused.

I came back to the group and said to my friend, "Who is that guy, he is gorgeous!"

He said "That's my boyfriend," to which I dove into the corner pocket of the pool table next to me, never to appear again.

I think I need Alan Turing and an Engima-like code breaking device to follow me around every time I am chatting to the male of the species. Sometimes I wonder how I have ever had sex at all and then I remember, alcohol.

As I am writing this I'm starting to realise something. It's not the code breaking that I need help with, it's what I do with the information once the code has been broken. I don't really like the underhanded tactics of the flirt, never have, everything shrouded in a secret world of up and down looks, hair flicks and lip caressing. If you like me, you like me. I know it's weird, but I actually appreciate a grope from the pervy old drunken guy we all encounter on a night out.

At least you know where you stand with them, and that's about five metres away.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, guys being direct can be nice at times. Granted, it's also nice if they can be direct while still being somewhat classy about it.


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