16 April 2015


So I've opened myself up to the world of Tinder.

First of all, I have a few things to say. When I started swiping, I couldn't believe how fun they had made it. They even say, you've got a match, do you want to have a conversation or keep playing? Of course I want to keep playing! Nobody wants to have an actual conversation. Spin the wheel! Why would anyone want to go to all that trouble of downloading a dating app, uploading six worthy images, pour over three lines of text about their likes and dislikes to actually chat or god forbid, go on a date? Pfft. As if.

In the very short time that I have been on Tinder, I have come to realise that this is not a dating app, it's a validating app. It's like the users just want to know how many ego strokes they can get matched with in an hour. That's it. And if you think I'm lying, out of the twenty guys that I have been matched with, only four of them have made contact. And now the sixteen other guys left stare up at me like little thumbnails of what could have been.

Of course I haven't messaged them. I can't believe you would even suggest that.

The other thing is, unlike other dating apps, people are very coy about their preferences, for instance on Grindr you are well within your rights to ask whether somebody is a top or a bottom, cut or uncut, dick pic or more pics, but on Tinder the most graphic anyone will get when referring to their preference for bum sex is "big spoon" or "little spoon". I'm sorry, is this a fuckin' fairytale? The dish ran away with the spoon, but only because the dish was a power bottom? I'm not familiar.

So let me tell you about the ones that did message.

The first guy we shall refer to as The Greek Tragedy. He was Greek and to him Tinder was a tragedy straight from the combined imagination of Aeschylus, Sophocles and Euripides. I have to say, I am partly, if not solely to blame for this. On my first afternoon of swiping, I got a little swipe happy and pretty much swiped anything that came across my iPhone - not everyone, but let's just say if I came across The Greek Tragedy today, I would probably swipe left. And that isn't anything to do with the events that proceeded my swiping, it's because I've become a little more...discerning.

In his profile he kept making mention of people who don't chat after being matched. I get that, it sucks dicks, but it's part of the game. If someone doesn't chat, take the hint and move on. So when he opened the chat with the usual pleasantries and then thanked me for messaging him back, I immediately turned off. Starting the chat like that would be like going on a date and thanking the date for showing up. I'm not here for the pity party, so I did the one thing he didn't want anyone in the history of Tinder to ever do and didn't message him back.

Then he cut a bitch.

He started messaging me saying, "Great another silent Tinder hook-up" and "What are you even on here for anyway?" and my favourite, a simple "?"

I didn't realise you could unmatch someone on Tinder, I literally thought I was going to be stuck with him and his question marks forever. A friend then showed me how to unmatch, but when I went to do this, he had gotten to it first. So touché douché.

So then another guy started messaging me. Let's call him, The Only Way is Epping because that's where he is from. We started chatting and I have to say straight out of the gate, I love an Essex accent. On the right guy, it's fucking sexy - think Dan Osborne.

I rest my case and my head in your lap Mr. Osborne.

So anyway, The Only Way is Epping and I were messaging, things were getting a little flirty - which is so unlike me - then making conversation, I told him that I was actually going to a friends wedding in Essex the next day. Which apparently was super close to Epping.

Then he asked if I was travelling alone and if so, did I want to make the journey out to Epping, stay the night at his and then he would drive me to the wedding the next day.

OK when I have told this to people, it splits the room. Some say I should have gone, some say I shouldn't have, some say I would have ended up in a shallow grave in Epping Forest.

I didn't go. In fact I didn't even message him back. And he never messaged again either. It was way too much. Apart from the fact I had never met him before, he wanted me to basically travel an hour and half with all my wedding shit - let's be honest, it would have been a small suitcase - to stay the night, get ready for the wedding to which he would then drive me to. I don't even have the energy to go to my local supermarket and that's a block away. And what if we didn't like each other? That would be a pretty awkward car ride to the wedding with only the sat nav breaking the silence. It was a sweet offer, but maybe the third or fourth time we met.

The third guy was the charm. Let's call him The 40 Year Old Surgeon because he is a doctor and he is forty. After a week and a half of messaging we are going on a date this Friday.


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