20 April 2015

THE 40 YEAR OLD SURGEON

So I had the date with the 40 Year Old Surgeon from Tinder.

I went deep into date prep on Thursday night. He suggested a Friday night date and we all know that a Friday night date means sexual seduction is quite possibly on the cards.

So I charged up the clippers for some in-depth manscaping. Everything was going swimmingly until I knicked my undercarriage. It didn't hurt too much so I moved on, but when I squatted over the mirror to clipper my asshole, I realised the extent of the damage. It looked like I had gotten my period for the very first time, honestly, it was like a an inkblot test. I think I can see a butterfly. No it's just a bloody perineum.

#bloodyperineum

Fortunately, my impromptu vagina healed for the big night otherwise this guy could be getting his red wings.

It was left up to me to choose the venue. So I enlisted the help of the hipster gays to tell me where the best place to head in Soho was. My brief was cool, not gay, but with a friendly vibe so that if we did start to eat each others face off, zucchini fritters would not be thrown at us. Apparently this was Polpo on Cambridge Circus.  

I was as dressed up as I thought appropriate for a first date with a doctor. Fitted black shirt and dark denim jeans. Sleek and streamlined. It's my go to date outfit. So I turned up about 15 minutes early to a packed bar. I wanted to stake out a table, but there was nothing except a couple of stools in the corner under what was essentially a spotlight. So I looked for my best light and positioned myself like I was a Greta Garbo readying herself for a close up and waited.

He came through the door and I was instantly disappointed. He was wearing bright white joggers/trainers/sneakers and dad jeans. What sort of doctor are you? He apparently had the day off. That still doesn't answer my question.

I know you're all sitting there in judgement at my judgement, but if you were in the same situation, a cool bar in Soho after making an effort yourself, your boner too, would have inverted.  

As we chatted, there was no spark of attraction for me and under the spotlight, I had to avert my eyes often from the bright white trainers. It just seemed like he didn't have a lot of finesse and when he used cockney rhyming slang to indicate he needed to go pee pee and then explained it to me, I wondered what was cockney rhyming slang for I never want to see you again.

I tried to drink through it, but when he started to list all the foods he didn't like, I started to eye fuck the exit like no-ones business.

So we left it and went our separate ways. I am in denial that he has texted asking for another date.

#keeponswipingy'all

1 comment:

  1. ...when he started to list all the foods he didn't like...

    Some guys actually think this is an appopriate thing to go into on a first date????

    Sorry the guy turned out to be such a flop. I hope you at least enjoyed your drinks and/or the atmosphere.

    ReplyDelete

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