19 August 2015

THE DESIGNER BOYFRIEND

So I was on Grindr the other day, as you do, and a guy popped up to say hello for the second time in as many weeks.

It's funny when persistence is the name of the Grindr game. Eventually, one day you will get your guy. It's a great work ethic. If you just wear someone down eventually they will have to say yes.

It does make me wonder whether they realise the messages they have sent previously have been ignored or do they just have little to no self respect for themselves and are hopeful that this Hi might be the one that hooks you? I'm going with the latter.

For example this guy below. I think there might be something wrong with James. Or he has the short term memory span of a goldfish.
I operate on the proviso that if I am once bitten, I will be twice shy when Grindring, and in most things in life. If I don't get a response, I won't be saying Hi ever again.

Anyway I couldn't really tell what this current guy looked like because he was wearing sunglasses and the photo was taken from afar. Never a good sign when you are online dating/sexing. But he was persistent and I wasn't exactly fighting the messages off with a stick, so I messaged back.

After a few "how is your weekend?" and "what did you do last night?" messages, he then asked for more pics, but just of the face variety which I thought was odd especially for Grindr. It was refreshing to not have someone ask you immediately for a picture of your butthole or have their butthole forwarded to you without asking. So I obliged and then asked if he could send me a clearer face pic too.

Well holy jizz in my face pic. Can I have a show of handsome? Yes please. He was like the smouldering for days house fire handsome. He looked like a Personal Trainer I once had, chocolate brown dozy eyes with curly lashes. Yummo. AND he seemed to think that I had a show of handsome as well which is always an added bonus.

If I am completely honest, the conversation that followed was one I was expecting to have on Tinder. Very respectful (how dare he), more interested in where you come from than whether you are fingering yourself. I was, but that's beside the point. Anyway our Sunday morning Q and A came to an organic end with nothing really planned, more of a nice to chat to you and I-will-keep-looking-at-your-photos-for-the-rest-of-the-day kind of ending.

A couple of days later I decided to instigate another conversation, but this time I would be a little more flirtatious etcetera etcetera. Mind you my idea of flirtatious is including a few more winky smiley face emoji's than usual.

Somebody please teach me how to flirt!

So I messaged him and we had a very awkward flirtatious too and fro. He told me what he did and I told him what I did. He said he liked that I was creative. I said that we were a good match. He then asked why we were a good match? Because we come from different career backgrounds? I panicked and said, "Probably ;)" This was me flirting 101. And I had already used two winky smiley face emojis. We then started talking about workloads and work hours (sexual). He works very long hours and I, ah, do not. He then asked if I liked to sleep a lot? And I, ah, do. Apparently he only sleeps six to seven hours a night. And I, ah, do not.

He then asked what time I got up on the weekend. I really had to take a moment to consider my response. Straight out of the gate, it's an odd question to ask, right? He obvi gets up early if he is asking that sort of question, but really? I think if someone is regularly getting up at 5.30am during the week, they would consider 7am to be a lie in on the weekend. I on the other hand consider 10am an early start on most weekends.

I measured my response realising how much I wanted to wake up next to this guy on one of those weekends (actually he would probably be waking up first as I would be comatose for at least another few hours). I wrote back, "Well it depends on what I have been doing the night before but usually 8ish. You?" Lie! This really was setting me up for an epic fail, but I knew if I wrote 10ish, but really 11ish if I am completely honest, that would be a deal breaker. Who wants to admit that anyway? Oh, yeah right.

He wrote back, "I get up between 7-8 most Sat and Sun (oh God). If I've had a big night I'll usually wake up around the same time, but recover in bed or the couch for a few hours ;)"

Fascinating.

How do I say if I have had a big night, I usually won't surface for the whole day and then when the actual hangover kicks in because I am still drunk, I start vomiting violently out of control?

I then wrote back nonchalantly, "Yeah you'll sometimes find me on the couch on a Sunday morning too. I don't really like to waste the weekend like that though. I feel far too guilty." Lie! Sometimes all I want to do is couch it for a whole day! This guy is going to have me up at the crack of dawn rock climbing or running a marathon. The only marathon I want to be doing on the weekend is the Millionaire Matchmaker one on ITVBe whilst eating doritos and drinking my weight in carbonated beverages.

He then wrote back, "Exactly! Ok...we may just get on then." Oh really, you approve? So what if I accidentally sleep in one day? We won't get along? And where do your demands end? It felt like if he had strong opinions about the time people arose on weekends then he would have strong opinions about other things as well. Like drinking a bottle of wine a night to myself. Yeah, what of it? It was like he wanted to design a boyfriend rather than meet a boyfriend. And can I also point out we hadn't actually met! What requests would he make in person?

So after he accepted my weekend rousing time, he then asked for more face pics.

Shit I've already sent him the best ones. I scoured FB and came up with the best of the rest, sent them and he hasn't responded since.

I'm kind of glad in a way. Nobody gets in the way of me and my lie in. Not even a dozy eyed curly lashed early riser. Well, we'll see.

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