1 December 2015

BALLS

So I broke my drought on the weekend and along the way encountered one of the largest testiclé I have ever seen in my entire life.

It had been a while as I am sure you can guess by the lack of posting.

Let's just say, I've been lost down the porn rabbit hole. Way down. I think porn might be my crystal meth. Either I'm addicted to pornography or well on my way. I honestly thought at this rate I may never seek sex with a live human being again.

I've talked about this to another gay male friend of mine (who shall remain nameless). He had to put his laptop in a pillow case at the bottom of his closet because he'd become too dependent on porn. Even when he was doing something innocent like internet banking, invariably he would end up internet wanking. I remember this time, it was very confusing - we thought he was phasing us out. Turns out he was running home to make sweet sweet love to his hand.

I can't imagine putting my laptop in a pillow case at the bottom of my closet being much of a deterrent to my idle hands. I'd probably have to freeze it in a bucket of water like it's a maxed out credit card.

#confessionsofawankaholic

I had another friend who had a boyfriend, but still enjoyed a varied selection of porn. Still had sex with his boyfriend, but when his BF was not there he would pop some porn on the laptop and have a bit of quiet time. His boyfriend had a huge problem with it. He questioned why he needed to watch so much porn if he was in a sexually active relationship. Was he not sexually fulfilled?

I questioned why he needed to tell him at all.

#clearinternethistory

Anyway his boyfriend felt as though he was cheating on him. Relationships are hard aren't they? You not only have to worry about your partner cheating with real life people, but also if they are cheating with porn stars. Where is the line? What if you watch a film with Ryan Gosling in it because you like Ryan Gosling's abs - is that cheating? Ugh. Life is confusing.

But I digress.

So I went out on Saturday night and had a fine old time picking up and going home with a gent who we shall call Jonathan, because that was his name. Got back to his place and not much sexy time went on due to my proximity to drunkeness.

As I opened my eyes the next day I thought I was snuggling into his hairy chest. Err apparently not, it turned out I was getting an eyeful of one of the hairiest backs I have ever seen. The hair was wing-like, flanking off his shoulder blades. I honestly thought we might have flown home rather than Ubered it.

Then he rolled over. I know I'm not the freshest face in the morning but yikes. What had I been drinking the night before?

Fortunately I was still drunk, but as the morning wore on I was becoming acutely aware of the unattractive man laying next to me.

So anyway when in Rome a blowjob is still a blowjob, so whilst in the throws of reciprocation, I got closer to the groinal area and came face to scrote with some of the biggest balls I have ever seen. Like he should be in a medical journal they were that big. It was very off putting, like a couple of raw turkey breasts with the skin left on.

Yeah, get that image out of your head.

After the alcohol completely wore off, I had to make a quick exit. That or start drinking again.

So I went home and put some porn on. It seemed like the only thing to do.      

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