15 September 2016


As the title suggests, I had a do-over.

Actually, to clarify, I didn't realise I had a do-over until I saw him naked. That's nice, when the only distinguishing feature you have is your penis.

Let me explain.

I was out and about on the weekend in my favourite bar after a night with some friends ended. I was just wasted enough to think that going out on my own was the next logical step and not too wasted to strike up a conversation with a stranger. In short, the perfect storm.

I got to the bar during its peek hour and joined the scrum for drinks pronto, as my buzz was beginning to fade. In front of me were two young gays who were sort of in the queue, sort of not in the queue. It was difficult to tell because they were dancing. I don't care what you do with the rest of your night, but either you are queuing or you are dancing, not both and until I have submitted my drink order, I'm all business at the bar. And these gays were basically doing the Cha-cha. 

I politely tapped one of them on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, are you actually in the queue?"

The most annoying of the two looked at me and said, "Oh you mature gays, we're in the queue alright."

Ummm, hmmm.

Compounding the insult was the fact I actually didn't hear him and had to say, "What?" whilst cupping my ear with my hand like an old-timey hearing aid. I bet they thought that was #hilar.

It was enough feeling self conscious about flying solo, but it was another thing to have my crows feet pointed out by these little cum rags.

It's like when you hear your voice played back to you in a recording and you suddenly realise what everyone else is bearing witness to. Ageing is like perpetually hearing the sound of your nasal lisp all day long. And the thing is, I used to be like those boys. I was that little cunt making snide remarks about age. I just hope that their karmic debt is served up to them in the same way. 

I finally got my drink and took my place on the dance floor. As I sipped my double vodka lemonade and cried on the inside, I looked around at the melee of gays and felt so out of place. I didn't even know the song that was being played. How did this happen? I'm only 35-ish.

Then I spotted a guy I had taken home four years ago. And four years ago it did not end well. Shit, that's the last thing I need right now. We had met in the very same bar and almost in the very same spot. I dragged him back to mine for a snuggle and after I sighted his rotund penis, I decided the best thing to do would be to ghost him. And I ghosted him hard. This warranted a "Rude" text message from him. And fair enough, it was rude. The very next week I saw him again at the same bar (I need to get a new venue, I mean really) and he nearly pushed me down the stairs.

One of the reasons I didn't want to pursue anything with him was because getting his cock inside any orifice would have taken a small army and a tsunami of lube. I'm usually up for a challenge, but there has to be a limit, right? He also seemed to wield it with reckless abandonment, like his sexual needs came first and they HAD to be met. In short, like a man (hot). Sometimes I think the men I meet are wasted on me.

I saw him moving across the dance floor coming toward me. As I braced for the unpleasentries, he walked up and said, "Hi, having a good night?" I thought, are we role playing now? His name had slipped my mind so I was unable to cross reference it with my 2012 self. Maybe it was a different guy? We chatted a bit more until I just had to ask, "Have we met before?" 

"Trust me I wouldn't forget you," he winked.

I felt like saying, "Could you say that to those two gay guys dancing in the queue over there?"

Then he said, "I just love your voice." Really? Because I've heard it played back to me and the nasal lisp thing has never really popped.

OK, so this clearly was a different guy. I guess so. He said he was younger than me which again, didn't ring any bells, I was sure this suitor's doppelganger was older.

So I pashed him.

We were back at mine when the do-over dawned on me. The pants came off and the choad in all it's girthy glory was revealed. Hadn't gotten any less choad either. In fact, I think it had expanded. Now, I'll be the first one to admit, I don't have a headjob mouth, it's a dainty opening, but I'm never at pains to fit a cock in it. This one however, I nearly had to lube up my lips and use cranial kinesis to get it in.

And then he started thrusting.

So romantic.

In the morning when he was getting dressed.

"Have we met before?" he said.

"I don't think so. Trust me I think I'd remember you."

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