17 August 2017

TWO COCKS, ONE NIGHT

Another day, another Tinder date. I sound so bored, I promise I'm not.

So I matched with this guy, let's call him Michael because that was his name. A few messages here and there, and we arranged a date.

I have a new Tinder policy, it's basically swiping right on anyone and everyone. Cast the net far and wide, you never know what you might catch, venereal or otherwise.

I started doing this because I met a guy in a bar a few weeks ago that, if I had been presented with six photos of him in an online capacity, I would never have swiped right. You know why? Because you need to meet people in the flesh to actually know whether you are attracted to them or not. Crazy, isn't it? Making your decision based on six carefully selected photos which show nothing but how to take a great selfie, is not a good business plan.

So, we decided to meet at a pub in a suburb that had the village-y feel Londoners love. I arrived and he was already seated at the bar. OK, straight out of the gate, he was a little heavier than he appeared in his photos, and while he wasn't completely catfishing me, girlfriend needed to do a round of updates on those pics. He then had the gall to tell me he did marathons.

Like movie marathons?

Anyway, we then had six large glasses of Pinot Grigio on empty stomachs.

Cut to, me sucking his dick.

Not sure how it happened, but I do think I was in a waking blackout. That's my story anyway and I am sticking to it. This is no joke, I remember leaving the bar and then I had his dick in my mouth, that's it!

The reality of the situation dawned on me/I sobered up, and made a hasty exit stage left, into the night only to meet a lovely trans woman on the street who I then convinced to come out for one last drink, because I wasn't done with the night.

At about 1am she departed after we had a lengthy discussion about the assassination of JFK (I mean, WTF?) and then I picked up ANOTHER guy and went back to his, still with the smell of Michael's dick on my hands.

I woke up in the morning on a blow-up mattress in a lounge room next to a cute guy, who's name I am still not sure of, and who's cleaner was vacuuming around us. We then went to a bedroom (why we weren't there in the first place, I do not know) and slept until the cleaner left. We then sat on his couch eating reheated lamb biryani, watching Amy Schumer videos.

This was a Wednesday.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like the best version of gay true love I've ever read about. This one might be the one. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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